Open Heart Adventure

Perhaps posting my thoughts, feelings, experiences, isn’t a great idea.  Perhaps I need to invest in a journal.  You know, one that I can burn later on before anyone finds it.  Strange that I’m instead writing in a blog for all the world to see, or all eight of you anyway.  Hi Mom!  (She really loves my writing, says it’s genius:).  Maybe I write it because I want to win a popularity contest – something I have NEVER been even close to winning.  My sisters were the “cool” ones.  But you know, there is a good reason for writing this stuff, and it occurred to me when I was scanning Havi Brook’s blogs in search of some relief.

PLEASE God (or Havi) say something that will help me feel better.  There’s got to be a post out there that speaks to me and what I’m needing in this moment.  Anything than to actually sit here and feel what I’m feeling.  Loneliness, sadness, major stuckness.  Which reminds me of getting a journal.  But I won’t.  Because maybe out of the handful of blog readers out there, whom I appreciate beyond measure, maybe one of my posts will provide a little relief to one of you along the way.  Maybe it’ll be me.

And yes, I feel like this cow.  Between stuckness and a close kinship with dairy (mainly in the form of Ben & Jerry’s), I can relate.  But I’m tired of feeling sad and stuck, tired of this gloomy cloud.  It’s not here all the time, but when it is, it feels like a forever thing.  Which reminds me.  It’s not.  I’m mean, nothing is a forever thing really.  Not the bad stuff and not the good stuff.  We spend a lot of our lives trying to hoard the good and push away the bad.  It seems that the simple act of pushing the bad away tends to lead to more bad.  We feel crappy, and in an attempt to not feel that way (because we should feel good all the time, damn it!), we create another struggle on top of feeling crappy.

I know this.  Intellectually.  I’ve read it in 2,000 self-help, Buddhist, and coaching books, among others.  But I forget.  I’m human.  This post is a reminder to let ourselves feel like crap.  Because sometimes we do.  And telling ourselves that we shouldn’t does not help the situation.  In Buddhism they call it Samsara – - chasing happiness and trying to avoid feeling bad.

So the idea is to lay down your arms.  Give up the fight.  Feel how you feel.  In this moment you’re unhappy, you’re sad, maybe you’re really really angry.  That can hurt a lot.  Well, take some time to get to know it.  If at all possible, welcome it like an old friend – I’m sure the two of you have met before.  If you can’t do that, just acknowledge that, yeah, this sucks, I hate the way I feel right now.  That’ll do.  Now consider that the way you’re feeling right now is not a forever thing. 

Let’s take a scientific approach.  I was after all a science major in college, and yes, I mostly hated it.  Jeez.  Anyway, so two possibilities.

• Possibility one, things improve.
• Possibility two, things get worse.

 If things improve from here, and there’s a 50% chance of that (science here, stay with me), then you wasted some time beating yourself up for feeling like crap.  And I’d bet that maybe you felt like crap in the first place because you believed things would get worse from here.  But look, things improved and you spent all that time wallowing in non-existent future badness.  Not that I’m saying not to do it, just pointing out what’s really going on.  Which is to say speculation.  Speculation that you’ll never fall in love again, or the economy will never improve, or you’ll always feel this way.

Option two.  Things do in fact get worse.  Okay, that sucks.  But think about it.  If things have gotten worse (in the future), then relatively speaking, things are pretty good right now.  I mean, if I knew things would get worse, I would enjoy this time a lot more.  Now.

Point is, you never know.  And maybe you’re thinking, well she forgot about option three, where nothing changes.  That could be an option, but in my experience, things change.  And anyway, it’s a lot more fun to believe that things will improve in the future.  You can’t know anyway, so why not make up something good.  You’ll feel better now.

In fact, I’m feeling better already.  Thanks for letting me share and remind myself to be okay with how I feel now, and to remember that now is not a forever thing.

Okay, I think I’m ready.  Okay, I’m not.  Doah.  You didn’t see it, but after I wrote that first sentence there was a really really long pause.  Not quite there yet.  But I’m getting closer.  And by grown-up, I mean, you know, a grown up.  What do I mean??  Okay, I mean actually, truly being responsible for making my life what I want it to be.  No more excuses, explanations, stories, complaining, etc…  But then there’s the whole human being thing, so I imagine I’ll continue to do some or all of that stuff, but not in a way that keeps me stuck.  Because that’s all that stuff does.

I’ve been on the verge of adulthood for some 34 years now, or 34 minus 21 (through college seems fair) = 19 years.  And since I prefer even numbers, let’s say I’ve been on the verge of adulthood for 20 years.  Fine.  It’s one of those things where I always wanted to take myself seriously and be able to do want I wanted, instead of what I perceived others wanted from me.  That’s being an adult to me.  Being myself, taking care of myself despite the reaction I might get from the other person.  I’ve spent a lot of energy and effort trying to guess what people wanted from me, what I should do or say to please them.  It’s exhausting.  And frankly, ridiculous to think that I could even know, especially when a good percentage of us are doing the same thing.  What an absurd (no offense) group of people – everyone trying to figure out what everyone else wants and getting it wrong, only 90% of the time.  Mean while, there’s a huge internal disconnect.  We’re so busy in everyone else’s business, who’s at home minding the store?

Which reminds me… When I was 7 years old, my younger sister, Becky and I went on a kiddy-roller coaster ride at the Jersey Shore.  Each car looked like an actual car (only smaller) with little steering wheels (one for each of us) and mini-seat belts.  We were both excited, especially about the car part, but as soon as the ride started and began jolting us about, panic set in.  We thought we had to steer the thing in order to stay on the tracks.  Becky was screaming while I tried my best to keep us alive, or so I thought.  It was 5 minutes of sheer terror.  As the ride came to an end I lost my grip on the steering wheel only to realize that the car steered itself.

Even as a kid, I saw the irony.  Not only did I not enjoy the ride, it was scary as hell.  All under the false belief that I had to control the situation.  When I finally let go, by accident mind you, I learned that it wasn’t my job at all.  Becky was too traumatized to enjoy the final 30 seconds, and my 7-year old brain sat in contemplation.  Huh?  What a waste of a ride.

So I think we often do the same thing with our lives, living it so that we “stay on track”.  We try so hard to control the outcome, in this case, what other people will think or feel -  we miss out on a lot of fun.  That, and we disconnect from ourselves and our own happiness, which often leads us to believe that others are responsible for our feelings.  A vicious cycle indeed.

You know, I am ready to be a grown up.  Especially if that means being happy.  One of my favorite quotes says something like – - the greatest gift you can give anyone is your own happiness.  I thinks it’s so true.  When we take it upon ourselves to be happy, it’s no one else’s responsibility, and that frees people up to do what makes them happy.  Not that they need to wait for our cue, but it seems like a win-win.

And how ironic that my definition of being a grown-up means making myself happy.  Guess I get to be a kid again:).

Yes, I’m going to do it.  Talk about PMS in a blog.  While I wanted to share an inspiring, uplifting post, it’s just not happening right now. 

So I know I have PMS when I start honking at people on the road.  In fact there is a direct correlation with the intensity of my PMS and the number of times I honk in a day.  I think it was about 3 honks today.  It’s gone as high as 7.  Although the 7-honk day was a few years back when probably I just had road rage too.

Although this may be amusing, and well, true, please bear in mind that I in no way mean it derogatorily (not actually a word).  It’s a fact that female hormones (and I bet male hormones as well) fluctuate during the month.  Way TMI, but this was my first PMS experience of my 34th year of enlightenment.  Har har.  And it began by getting pulled over at 7am this morning.  Nice.  My tags were expired.  Seriously, how can they see a tiny tag when the sun hasn’t even risen!  And then I start thinking about what a crappy job it is to be a cop (no offense).  I mean their whole job is about punishing people.  That cannot be good for the psyche.  Digressing…

So I got a ticket, handled it well enough, but apparently there was some residual rage going on which led me to drive like a jackass on the way to work.  And of course I was late for my 8am meeting, even though I left extra early.  I could go on, but for the most part, the day continued on this trajectory.  Two pints of Ben and Jerry’s later (purchased, not completely consumed), and I’m feeling a little bit better.

Given my new efforts to take care of myself, I noticed a difference during today’s upheavals.  Namely, how I reacted to myself.  After honking at someone, or being pissed at someone else, or whatever, I usually then feel like absolute dirt and proceed to internally beat myself up.  Which, no surprise, leads me to behave in an even more unpleasant way.  Today, I was almost amused as I watched myself give the lady who drove the wrong way down the one-way parking lane and cut me off to get the spot I was turning into (I was going the “right” way, of course), the evil-eye.  You know, the, “I’m going to kill you now” look.  And then I saw how I wanted to totally demonize her and call her names.  But… I noticed this with some detachment, some space.  And I didn’t call myself names or say “I shouldn’t”, “I’m horrible”, etc…  Instead I said, “I hear you”, “that sucks”, “tough break”.  Miraculously, it helped.  I mean,  not sunshine and daisies, but stabilization.  And while there’s no denying that Ben & Jerry came through in a pinch, the real difference was giving myself a break.

On the subject of giving breaks, it certainly is interesting how quickly I jump to judging others – she had no right to do that!  I can’t believe he’s so insensitive!  But really, the biggest judging is going on inside my head.  I may get pissed off and angry in certain situations, honk, or imagine driving right into someone’s back fender (no judgement, remember:), but I’m realizing that the way out of that cycle is to start being okay with all of that.  I know this because 34 years of beating myself up mentally has improved nothing.

So I would say, if you’re willing to experiment, because I am, don’t even worry about giving the other person a break.  I mean not yet anyway.  Of course if you can do that, great.  But if you can’t, I say do your usual thing – honk, yell at the Indian credit card customer service rep named Carl, and when you’re done, instead of the old, “God, what’s wrong with me” or “I’m such a jerk”, try telling yourself, “that’s okay”.  You had a long/hard/PMSy day (insert your thing), and that’s okay.

I swear when we can do this, things ease up.  We ease up, our reactions to others ease up, and in turn, they ease up.  And if you can’t do that, just notice what you are doing and how you feel after you do it.  It always is an inside job.  Start with awareness, then move to SELF-compassion; follow these steps and you’re likely to reduce your Post Mental Scorn.  Now repeat for the rest of your life.  See, it’s easy.

Wow, so I just listened to an incredible call with Mark Silver and the Heart of Business.  Mark is a Master Teacher in his lineage of Sufism, i.e. super spiritual, zen-like (or eh, Sufi-like) guy who teaches us lay-folk about marketing.  In the event that you don’t have a business to market, I recommend you get one just so that you can enroll in one of his classes.  Divine.  Literally.

But… I will not be talking about marketing today.  I will leave that to Mark.  What I’d like to talk about is neediness.  The mother-load of ick, in my prior opinion.  After starting to meditate about three years ago now, a strange thing happened.  I became needy.  Like crazy needy.  In fact my neediness peaked while living at a meditation center in France for 4ish months.  What?!  I thought meditation would bring enlightenment, or at least the ability to chill out a little more.  Very type-A over here.

In fact, it gave me almost the opposite effects of what I was looking for, initially.  Eventually it kinda sorta helped me calm down, but when I got good at it (whatever that is), I started to see all sorts of things I did not want to see.  During a one-month meditation retreat at the meditation center, because you know, I couldn’t get enough, I felt like a complete leach to everyone and everything.  NOTHING was enough.  Not enough attention, not enough comfort, not enough from the now ex-boyfriend.  I felt like a human vacuum of neediness.  Where did that come from?

Looking back, I see that the neediness was there all along.  Well before the meditating.  But my new-found awareness – - hate you – - brought it all front and center.  It’s been about a year since leaving my meditation mecca and the neediness remains, although less so.  And you know, in a way I’ve been fighting it ever since.  I shouldn’t be needy.  I am totally lame and pathetic for being so needy.  No one else is as needy as I am.  Okay okay, you get the point.

What I started to learn with a new and amazing book I just read, Nonviolent Communication, is that neediness is what makes us human.  Oh.  Okay.  Really, I’m allowed to be needy?  This was then confirmed by my therapist.  Yes I have a therapist because evidently blogging is just not enough.  And then tonight, Mark Silver (mentioned above) talked about the gift of neediness.  What?!  Seriously people.  You have my attention.

Essentially he reiterated the same sentiment as all the other folks, who claim that neediness is part of being human.  He says we’re like lamps – we’ve got everything we need to work, but nothing happens unless we’re plugged in.  You know, to the “source”.  Okay, maybe too woo-woo, but actually  not for me.  The gist is that we do “need” to connect with each other, with whatever we call God, if we call something God, or whatever it is that energizes us (call that God, or don’t, I don’t care).  In fact, the emptier we are, i.e. the more open we are to life, the more open we are to getting filled up.

Okay, in actual human-speak.  It’s cool to be needy, it’s just our cue that we need to take some care.  To do whatever it is we need to do to feel reconnected (whatever that is for you).  Maybe that’s pray, take a walk in the woods, pet your cat, meditate.  But it’s the body’s way of letting us know.  Also, the whole open-ness thing.  In human-speak.  My perspective is that sometimes stuff in life hurts us.  People say stuff, things don’t go our way, people move on.  Life, basically.  It can be easy to shut down during that stuff in a way to avoid feeling it.  But it turns out, you feel it anyway and then there’s no way to let the good back in, because you’ve shut down.

Hence my sort-of new blog title, Open Heart Adventure.  It’s hard to stay open when things get tough, but it’s a way to stay in touch with our human-ness.  To soften around the edges.  Neediness is just the thing for softening.

I have a new outlook on my blog, thanks in part again to Havi Brooks of the Fluent Self.  She is hysterical!  Yes, I am the judge of that.  Just read another one of her posts, an older one, and she actually offered a class called, Screw Therapy and Start Blogging.  OMG.  Dying.  Laughing.  Ahhhh.  So seriously, even if (okay, especially if) no one’s reading this thing anymore but me, that is totally cool.  It’s therapy baby.

So I’m all about getting unstuck and feeling better, right?  And I realize that listening to sad, pathetic, heart-wrenching loves songs while perusing pictures of the Ex is a BAD combination.  But yet it feels so good.  Funny thing I’ve noticed is that it feels good during the sob-fest and then sucks when I’m done.  Definitely addiction-like in nature.  So enough of that.  Until I do it again later.

Now that the sad movie montage is finished, I’ll try to make a point.  During my grieving session tonight, it was done with a certain level of consciousness,  meaning, I didn’t get completely lost in it.  It was more like giving myself the space and kindness to let it come up and out.  Definitely saw the regrets, the “sorries”, a little of the “I screwed it up” stuff, but it came and went.  Not as sticky these days.  And really, this sort of approach works with any painfulness in our lives.  The pain and suffering is all about the story and not about the thing.  Not having an argument with yourself about why you shouldn’t be upset is step number 1.  Okay, that was a double-negative.  What I mean is, let the feelings run their course without all the judgement and “shoulds, shouldn’t haves”.  Let the blah cometh.  The sooner we can welcome the sadness or hurt or whatever, the more quickly it will get bored and move on.  You know, “this too shall pass.”

AHHHH.  Okay, so much for that last post.  Back in the stuck.  Swirling in my pot of stir again.  It’s one of those where the awareness is there and I’m getting the connection between bad feelings and the BAD STORIES in MY HEAD.  And so I’ve spent the last 60 seconds yelling “bad stories in my head, bad stories in my head” outloud.  Yeah, really.  But please don’t call the authorities just yet.

Frantically looking for relief I started to read the hilarious, smart, and oh-so-helpful blog called the Fluent Self.  She – Havi – is all about destuckification (you know, getting unstuck), and it’s brilliant!  After reading her post called “What you do when you feel like dirt”, I’m feeling a little less like dirt.  Just knowing that someone else feels like dirt is a relief.  Especially someone as seemingly cool as Havi.  How can someone that cool and successful and smart feel like dirt??  I don’t know… because she’s human.  Ahh, that feels better.

So after reading Havi’s blog and starting to feel better I paused.  Then the bad stories resumed, but I totally called them out on it and that’s when I started yelling “bad stories in my head” which led to me laughing at myself for being such a spaz.  How do you spell that?

But you know, I wish we would all be a little more honest with each other, and I don’t mean that in a moral platitude-sort-of-a-way, but in a, God, we’d all feel so much better if we were down with the fact that some of the time everyone feels like dirt.  And not in a way to encourage feeling like dirt, but in a way to support each other when we do.  Luckily, Havi’s blog did the trick for me tonight.  And now I’m going to meditate and sit with all that crap-oh-la in just a minute.

Last word on “bad stories in my head”.  It’s amazing how I can take little to no information and craft a deliciously painful story for myself out of my arse.  I know, not a nice image.  But really, where does this stuff come from?  Well, clearly from my mind, which is why I meditate to try to train the darn thing.  Sit dog, sit.  I’m at the point in my meditation where I can see the dog (my mind) eating my shoes (happy place), but I can’t quite get the shoes away from him yet.

Funny thing.  I have this theory that our minds are like dogs.  Hear me out.  I LOVE dogs, no other creature evokes such joy in me  (aside from my nieces & nephews, who aren’t really “creatures”).  Someone pointed out recently that the word “dog” is “God” spelled backwards.  Hmm.  That’s interesting, because I think our minds often get it backwards.  It’s like this hardworking, spastic entity that goes and goes and goes, but without a strong leader it can get seriously out of control.  Our minds usually get the “Godness” or Divineness of things backwards.  And “dog” happens to be “God” spelled backwards.  Coincidence.  I don’t think so.

Lesson #435.  Train that dog, your mind!  Love it, but lead it, and not the other way around.  Think on purpose – or heck, not at all.  And choose good stories in your head.  The bad ones stink.  The end:).

Oh boy.  Here we go.  I knew it was coming and yet a part of me isn’t ready to let go.  There’s no mistaking this internal shift that I feel.  It’s like, well, letting go.  There’s a sadness about it and a freedom.  Hmm, what am I talking about?  Still working on that myself.  But since committing to making my personal care a priority, something was put in motion.  Granted I’m not turning into Oprah Winfrey or anything, but I surely am seeing all the ways in which I keep myself stuck.  In fact, I’m seeing it so clearly I almost don’t want to do it anymore.  Craziness.

Not staying stuck, or in non-negative (har har, positive) language, would translate into moving forward.  Moving forward and letting go of an old identity.  You see, I’m getting more and more clarity on all the ways I focus and tune into what I’m lacking.  It’s not like I’m a bad person for doing it, it’s just something I’ve done for so long it’s been part of my identity.  I thought it was me.  You know that whole forest from the trees thing?  You’re so in it, it’s SO  you, you can’t even see that it’s not you, that there’s another way.

Okay, so I’m watching HGTV tonight – strange, new obsession with this channel.  In fact it’s thee only thing I watch.  Apparently somebody wants a house (eh hem… me).  Or a home.  And of course tonight’s episode features the couple with lots of kids and even more grandkids and everyone’s hanging out and bonding, and I got it.  Oh, I want that.  I want a family.  Not to mention that they had a paltry budget of $2 mm to spend on the new house so as to accommodate the grandkids.  Okay, I want that too!  Darn it, I’m on a roll here.  The critical thing is that I’ve been watching HGTV for several months now – since discovering it’s existence – and instead of saying (thinking really) “I want that”, what I’ve really been saying/thinking is “How come I don’t have that?”  Translation of super-sublte ego sabotage is… I feel like crap because I don’t have that.  Or… I’m sad, lonely, and pathetic because I don’t have that.  Charming I know:).  I mean really, I can’t imagine why the men have not been lining up!?  Although they are on match.com, but clearly that’s not working.  Point being, something is shifting.  I can feel it.  It went from sinking, sad, unhappy feelings while watching HGTV, or married couples, or when my coworker shared a loving story about her mother-in-law (not being sarcastic) to feeling, clear, clean, happy feelings.  Yes!  Okay, that’s only happened once now, but I know it’s the start of a trend.  Why?  But I see it, my awareness around it is there.

And all of this means that I’ll have that home and family by Christmas, right?  Well, maybe.  Don’t want to rule anything out.  But seriously, no pressure okay.  I’m spilling this stuff here for the greater good.  And mostly because it’s fun and I like to.  The other thing I noticed after my HGTV shift was some fear.  Fear about letting go of this old way of thinking, which is to say this old identity.  Fear of who I’ll be or even what my life will be if I let go of that old habit.  Can I trust that things will be okay and safe?  Such a strange feeling, sort of like dipping my toe into a new pool of water.  Really, I can do this??

Maybe it’s the meditation, the 5,000 self-help books I’ve read in the last three months, coaching, therapy, HGTV, who knows.  It’s working.  Part of me is beginning to trust that I can focus on what I do want instead of the lack thereof.  That somehow the sky won’t fall if I trust that I can have what I want.  Of course, there’s still some stickiness and plenty more work ahead, but I can feel a shift.  And it’s hard to go back once that awareness is there.  It’s that saying – when we know better, we do better.

So here’s to having what we want!  Whatever that may be.

Two side notes.  First, I changed the title of my blog which completely does not match my website address which indicates the level of technology cluelessness going on here.  Ah well.  Second side note that I just noticed… so far my efforts to make taking care of myself a top priority are resulting in depressing blog posts.  Hmm, interesting.  But no really, this is good stuff.  You know, the awareness comes first, which can sometimes be surprising and then fewer depressing posts.  Well, time will tell.

Hello all.  I’m feeling a little lost at the moment, hence the title, “Staying in the Stir.”  Feels like my pot’s been stirred up and boy do I want to do anything but stay with that.  So much so that I have some definite resistance to writing.  As of this sentence I haven’t laid out a clear message for my post, but I suppose that’s a little like life, go with the flow (when we can remember to let go) and see where it takes you.

Uh… so, yeah, it’s not working so far.  Where’s the brilliant message, which is to say that all my previous posts had brilliant messages?  I guess that’s it — letting life take you where it will and understanding that ups and downs are totally par for the course.  When it feels like everything is up in the air and all stirred up, it’s about being with that and not necessarily needing to pull it all together, get it back to good.  It’s funny how we humans seem to think that “normal” is everything staying exactly as we would like it, which sets us up for the constant, exhausting, futile effort to get all our ducks in a row.  I personally have this tendency to make most things a “forever” event.  Meaning, something that seems unpleasant happens and oh no, this is it, things will be this way forever.  Something good happens… okay, well interestingly I have the tendency to expect something bad to happen.  Wow, that sucks.  Although great observation on my part.

The point is that when I can get out of my head, i.e. detach from the swarming worst-case-scenario thoughts and storylines swirling in my brain – there’s relief.  It’s just now and maybe now is on the difficult side, but now is not a forever thing.  I can promise myself one thing – it will change.  Strangely I often can’t remember that truth when I’m in the middle of something that seems just awful, worst thing ever.  And then something changes, and wow, how silly that I was all worried??  Okay, so how many times does that have to play out before I can remember to remember that?  Rhetorical.  I suppose that’s where the practice comes in.  As the Buddhists say, “lean in.”  Lean in instead of running away from the pain, the discomfort, the unwanted whatever.  We actually tend to create more suffering when we run from the pain, when we live under the false pretense that life is supposed to feel super-rosy all the time.  What a funny idea.

I guess a lot of it has to do with this idea of acceptance.  Acceptance of ourselves, first and foremost in my opinion, acceptance of our current situation, and hopefully, acceptance of others.  By acceptance I don’t mean apathy.  I mean being at peace with what is.  Not fighting against life or thinking things should be different than they are.  Of course the next moment could be different, and it probably will be, but the real change happens when we make peace with this moment.  One of my favoritest (not a word) quotes is from Marianne Williamson.  Use whatever name you like, reality, God, life – she says, okay, here’s how it works: #1 – God’s plan works.  #2 – Yours does not.  The end:).  It’s amusing how we think we know best how things ought to be.  I mean how can you know?!  And how exhausting to try to control how things “should” be. 

Last word about acceptance.  I had a heart to heart with myself today, okay, and like everyday, which sometimes gets irritating.  Digressing…  I was curious about my definition of love.  What is yours?  What does love look like to you?  Is it someone behaving in a certain way, is it someone not behaving in a certain way?  Is it having your needs met?  I really would love to hear your feedback.  Well, when I examined what love looked and felt like to me, I was slightly alarmed.  My view of love looked more like what Martha Beck calls “Spider love”.  A spider thinks it loves flies, when in fact it just wants to trap them and suck out their innards for sustanance.  Nice.  Okay, totally not trying to beat myself up here, but my experience or view of love involved a lot of conditions.  After some reflection, my new definintion of love is acceptance.  Acceptance of our situations, our resistance, our joy, ourselves, and others.

Not all of us got that modeling as kids, likely because our parents didn’t get it either.  But now is a great time to teach an old dog new tricks.  And as always, it starts with ourselves.  Once we start to notice that internally critical voice and lower the volume, even just a little, we allow more love in.  It doesn’t have to come from anyone else.  It’s already there.  We just need to clear some space for it.

Okay, sorry if this was sappy, but I suppose that’s what I needed to hear and write.  Here’s to a little more acceptance and a lot more love.

Okay, so today’s post is very personal.  Only a handful of very privileged people know about “covers” but I’m putting it out there today, for the sake of  humanity.  I know, I know, so selfless.  Here goes… Covers are what lay-people would call my security blanket.   However, they are not that.  They are Covers.  And yes, they are plural despite the obvious fact that there is only one of “them”.  Perhaps their plurality represents the infinite, abundant universe, or perhaps I was 2 when I named them and didn’t yet have a strong grasp of the English language.  Regardless, throughout my life, Covers has been a sacred, almost holy entity in my life.  On many levels Covers represents love, security, comfort, and well love.  Needless to say, when my now ex-boyfriend used them to wipe his face I COMPLETELY freaked out.  What the hell man?!  Yes, at age 33, I freaked out over Covers.

While I was upset at his misunderstanding of the sanctity of Covers, I quickly got over the whole ordeal and we had a good laugh.  That lightheartedness, however, was not exactly easy to come by.  Which reminds me to get to something of a point with this post.  So in my quest to make feeling good a priority on this 34th year, I have been diligently and almost annoyingly getting curious about anything and everything that bothers me.  “What’s that about?” has been a recurring question in my head.  On one level I know that everything that bothers me out there always comes back to something in here.  When I can clear up the misunderstanding within myself, the outside world tends to become a kinder, gentler place.

So, having ended a long-ish relationship in the not-too-distant past, I’ve been having a LOT of opportunities to ask myself, what’s that about?  And then repeating ad nauseum.  What I figured out was that in my past relationship I had quite a lot of attachment going on, which upon further exploration appears to stem from the false perception that the relationship was meeting a need that I myself didn’t believe I could meet.  Hmm… is that true?  Basically there was a lot of neediness and I’m not sure about the love part.  Not that there wasn’t love, but it seems I mistook needing for loving.  Not uncommon in our society.  Interestingly, if you think about it, “need” is almost by definition a lack of love.  Well, it certainly is a lack of something, which is what I felt much of the time.  Having this clarity around the situation now is kind of painful.  I mean what happened to me in there?  I didn’t start out needy at all, but something switched and it triggered all sorts of grasping, attachment, and well, suffering.

Right, Covers.  After this big realization, and subsequent attempt to not completely feel like shit about it, something else occurred to me.  A memory of Covers snuck in and blew me away.  When I was in 6th grade my family went on a short vacation and I somehow forgot to bring Covers.  It was horrible, I couldn’t sleep well, I felt empty at night, just completely off.  When I got  home and back to Covers I had a serious talk with myself.  Approaching womanhood and 7th grade, I knew something was weird about my relationship with Covers.  I was completely attached.  I couldn’t really function or go to sleep without them.  Something had to be done.  Somehow at age 13, I made the decision to go a year without covers.  I told myself that after a year without them I could bring them back into my life, sort of like reintroducing lion cubs into the wild.  On some deeper level I knew that needing covers didn’t serve me, and it certainly wasn’t loving towards Covers.  In fact it was needing; loves subtle opposite.

My 14th year was difficult at first, not sleeping with Covers, but I did it, I made it through the entire year.  And then at the end of the summer I took Covers out of my closest and brought them back into my life.  I knew I didn’t need them, which made having them back so sweet.  My love for them wasn’t tangled up in all the needing.  It was just love, take em’ or leave em’.