Open Heart Adventure

Isn’t that nice?  And there’s nothing wrong with you either.  There’s nothing wrong with any of us!  I’m totally serious.  I’m re-reading the most amazing book, Non-Violent Communication and it really drives the point home.  In fact, the author makes the assertion that for years and centuries, and ever, we’ve been communicating in terms of what’s “wrong” or “right” with us.   Hooey.

Almost immediately upon someone pissing me off, a litany of unpleasant internal name-calling and judgements tumble in my head, and sometimes out of my mouth.  They’re so rude.  What a jerk.  What’s wrong with them?!  Ah-ha.  The wrong-ness factor rears it’s ugly head.  The number of times I think that someone else is “wrong” is likely a direct correlation to how “wrong” I think I am.

Look at our school system, corporations, heck, our relationships.  We use punishment and praise like it’s going out of style.  As though each individual is in a position to determine the wrongness and rightness of someone else, grading their actions, validating or negating their right to be on this earth.  It’s all so crazy.  And yet we do it so naturally.

What Non-Violent Communication (NVC) suggests is to instead speak in terms of our feelings and needs.  We’re all human, and hence we all have needs.  When our needs don’t get met, we feel stuff; usually unpleasant stuff.  And we often blame someone else for the unpleasantness we feel, when in point of fact, our feelings having nothing to do with someone else’s actions and everything to do with what we’re needing in that moment.

When we can claim our own feelings and explain them in terms of what we need, other people can relax and listen.  Oh, you feel frustrated when I ignore you because of your need for acknowledgement?  Versus – you’re such a jackass for not calling me!  Slightly different approaches there.  One is communicating and the other is, well, not.  In general, it’s a good idea to pretty much never believe anything anyone says about you.  Their opinion of you has nothing to do with you, and just about everything to do with how they’re feeling about themselves.

Case in point.  I’m about to over-share again…  Had a little moment the other day.  Was stewing about my past relationships and realized that in the most recently-past relationship, which excuse me for not mentioning until now… I was using punishment as a way to get what I wanted.  Very subtlety, mind you.  Did it work?  Nope.  Does it work sometimes?  Yes, but not without consequences.

What occurred to me was that I would oh-so-imperceptively hint that something was wrong with my ex for not wanting to move forward in our relationship.  You know, get married.  That was my whole strategy.  You are wrong, I am right.  Shouldn’t we get married?  Who could resist, I know.  Mind you, I was unaware of my strategy – which is a horribly bad strategy – but nevertheless, I used it because I had learned it inside and out as a child.

No blaming here, but pointing out that our culture is infused with the rightness/wrongness thing.  Some people feel pretty good about themselves and tend to be a little more laid-back about other people’s behavior (they know it has nothing to do with them).  But for those of us who occasionally feel less-than-stellar about ourselves, or doubt our inherent goodness, unpleasant behavior can trigger all sorts of stuff.  Because if someone is not cooperating, or behaving in the way we want, there must be something wrong with them.  Either that, or there’s something wrong with us, which we secretly suspect, and that’s just too scary to consider.

So great, nothing’s wrong with anyone, but I’m still pissed off.  I want him/her to stop/start doing that?

The book suggests that given the opportunity, people will behave in ways that contribute to other people’s well-being.  Think about it.  Recall a time when you did something for someone else that really brought them joy.  How did it feel?  In my experience, nothing beats it.

And so, the trick is to give people the opportunity to contribute to our well-being, and vice versa.  By asking.  Not demanding.  When we can express what we’re feeling and needing, we can also request a new behavior.  Example – Honey, when you don’t call I feel hurt because I need to know I’m appreciated.  Would you consider calling me next time you’re out late?

Anyway, it will probably go further than name-calling or subtle put-downs.

Last thing – how do you talk to yourself?  How often do you call yourself names?  I thought so.  Try talking to yourself with non-violent communication (the book can help).  When we’re more compassionate with ourselves, it’s a lot easier to get along with everyone else.