Open Heart Adventure

Ughghgh.  I suspect the Ex is reading this.  Stop that!  It’s hard to be totally honest, upfront, and glib with the thought of the Ex reading my stuff.  Will I seem desperate?  Yes.  Will I seem graspy?  Probably.  Will I read into what I think he’s reading into my blog?  Yes.  Am I crazy?  Uh, no.  Don’t answer that.

Who doesn’t want to be all fine and good, and happy, and yadda yadda post break-up?  You know the secret fantasy (no, not sex) that you’ll run into him looking amazingly great with the amazingly fabulous new boyfriend?  Yes you do.  And it just occurred to me that ex is sex without the “s”.  Brilliant.  Side note.  I just drank two large cups of caffeinated Teavana tea following a date with an epidemiologist.  Bear with me.  I will regret posting this later.

So maybe it would be best for me to post things about gratitude and self-empowerment and other forms of uh-hem, bull s#$%, but that is soo not me right now.  Anyone who knows me knows that I’m often times painfully honest.  Perhaps at my own expensive.  But I soo appreciate honest people.  People who are real and un-afraid to share what’s on their hearts.  It gives all of us permission to do the same, to be human.

Okay, recovered from tea overdose and now have total writer’s block.  Darn.  Ahh.  Okay, so being real, sharing what’s going on inside, etc., etc…  Nope.  Nothing.

I know what it is.  I don’t want to share this bit.  Don’t want to expose my vulnerability.  What do I lose (think I lose) in being honest?  Here it is.  As soon as I start to feel better, have fun, move on with my life, I’m afraid about not feeling sad.  As though if I no longer feel sad, bad, lonely, due to the break-up, what?  What am I afraid of?  Losing the ex forever (I hate writing that btw)?  Being happy?  Being responsible for my life?

Today I was in Pottery Barn and spent more time studying the couples than the couches.  Did we look like that?  Would a stranger have thought us happy?  Is it possible for me to be in Pottery Barn and not feel totally depressed?  There I was surrounded by sparkly green pillows (which were awesome btw) feeling sorry for myself.  Probably in the hopes that someone would notice and care…  Did they?  No.

I think I’ve spent a lot of time shutting off my own happiness in the hopes that someone else would take notice and do it for me.  Not to say that it’s okay to feel sad from time to time, but it is important to remember that’s it’s okay to be happy too.  There is actually no downside to feeling good and not missing the ex.  Doing so will not close any doors anymore than feeling sad and pathetic will.  In fact, the sad pathetic bit will go much further in door-closing.

Really, it all comes down to a leap of faith.  Trusting that what’s going on right now is exactly what needs to be going on.  That for whatever reason, it didn’t work out between the two of us and letting go will in fact open up more doors.  Not close them.  It’s about getting to know myself and seeing that I’m fine and happy and grateful (no BS) on my own.  It’s really a major time to heal.

I think the big misperception is this idea that we can’t feel love without that special someone.  That something’s missing if we’re not in a romantic relationship.  When in reality, those feelings of love are inherent to us.  They’re in there, we just need to clear out the crap – those little lies we tell ourselves that block feeling good.

What I noticed in Pottery Barn was that when I decided to stay with myself, enjoy the store, ignore the sad story, I had a lot of fun.  I began to dismantle the blockages in my brain, the ones that stop me from feeling good.  The good is there.  The love is there.  It’s just a matter of checking in and giving myself permission to feel it.