Open Heart Adventure

So.  It’s been a while.  It’s always interesting to notice what’s going on with me when I take a break from writing new posts.  In this case, I’d say some kind of internal shift is occurring.  Uh, yes, again.  I seem to be processing something, and my body has made this known when I fall asleep at 9pm on a Tuesday.  And what a gift to be able to give myself that space.  No “hurry up and make progress” or “get moving already”.  Just exactly what I need – to be okay with where I am.

As you may know, this is my year of taking care of myself and I have been consistently doing that.  Except when I forget.  Which happens quite a bit, but less so than in the past.  And that’s important, because it always comes down to remembering.  Remembering that I’m here and now.  Not in the maze of thoughts and what if’s running through my head.  Not in the not-too-distant future of – - will I have enough money, or will this crappy feeling never go away?

Back when I was living at a Buddhist Center in France I had this most profound and yet really mundane moment.  Doing laundry no less.  Actually, I was hanging my laundry outside during a midsummer’s night in the French countryside.  Okay, not bad.  Still, it was laundry.  A swirl of thoughts were racing through my head and I had this almost imperceptible turn.  An oh-so-subtle shift from dreaming of the future, getting “ground”, planning the what if’s to the realization that, oh, this is my life.  Right now, doing laundry.

The silence was so loud I couldn’t help but notice my life, right there in front of me.  And so I thought, hmm, I can just step into this.  Step into my life right here and right now.  And that’s what I’ve been doing ever since.  Remembering to own this moment.  That the future is not my life.  This moment is.

There was such space in that.  And mostly acceptance.  It was one of the first times that I consciously chose to accept where I was.  Instead of dreaming of a better moment in the future when I would like myself more, when I’d be more successful, or I’d feel better.  This was it.  This is it.  Sort of depressing in a way.  Some how I thought all those visions of grandeur and success were my salvation.  It’ll all be fine when I can get there.  Now that I practice coming back to whatever it is that’s going on right here and now, some of the excitement is gone.  But with that, a lot of the pain, grasping, and unhappiness is gone too.  Call the middle way, as the Buddhists do.

I think more than anything, life is not about getting ahead, or getting all of our shit together.  It’s really practicing again and again to not run away from this exact moment.  For me it’s about getting to know how crappy I feel right now.  Or how great I feel.  But interestingly, when I feel great I don’t seem to question it.  It’s when I’m feeling something I don’t want to feel or don’t think I should be feeling that presents my biggest opportunity.  It’s a chance to practice acceptance.  By doing that I step out of the happiness chase – - I stop trying to avoid pain or unpleasantness.  It’s such an exhausting treadmill to be on..

What I’ve noticed is that when I get to know how I’m feeling now, stay with it without pushing it away, it softens.  It also helps me feel better faster.  More and more I’m seeing these scary stories that stream across my mind like a stock ticker tape, and I’m not buying it.  The message, as Martha Beck would say is, “be afraid!”  But really, what does that get me?  Nothing I want.  Life minus the scary stories is pretty cool.  Definitely fresh, surprising, and well, an open-heart adventure.

And by the way, I’m noticing that my thoughts are saying, these blog posts are lame and redundant.  But you know, that’s okay.  It’s just where I happen to be.  Less the lame part:).