Ready to be a Grown Up

Okay, I think I’m ready.  Okay, I’m not.  Doah.  You didn’t see it, but after I wrote that first sentence there was a really really long pause.  Not quite there yet.  But I’m getting closer.  And by grown-up, I mean, you know, a grown up.  What do I mean??  Okay, I mean actually, truly being responsible for making my life what I want it to be.  No more excuses, explanations, stories, complaining, etc…  But then there’s the whole human being thing, so I imagine I’ll continue to do some or all of that stuff, but not in a way that keeps me stuck.  Because that’s all that stuff does.

I’ve been on the verge of adulthood for some 34 years now, or 34 minus 21 (through college seems fair) = 19 years.  And since I prefer even numbers, let’s say I’ve been on the verge of adulthood for 20 years.  Fine.  It’s one of those things where I always wanted to take myself seriously and be able to do want I wanted, instead of what I perceived others wanted from me.  That’s being an adult to me.  Being myself, taking care of myself despite the reaction I might get from the other person.  I’ve spent a lot of energy and effort trying to guess what people wanted from me, what I should do or say to please them.  It’s exhausting.  And frankly, ridiculous to think that I could even know, especially when a good percentage of us are doing the same thing.  What an absurd (no offense) group of people – everyone trying to figure out what everyone else wants and getting it wrong, only 90% of the time.  Mean while, there’s a huge internal disconnect.  We’re so busy in everyone else’s business, who’s at home minding the store?

Which reminds me… When I was 7 years old, my younger sister, Becky and I went on a kiddy-roller coaster ride at the Jersey Shore.  Each car looked like an actual car (only smaller) with little steering wheels (one for each of us) and mini-seat belts.  We were both excited, especially about the car part, but as soon as the ride started and began jolting us about, panic set in.  We thought we had to steer the thing in order to stay on the tracks.  Becky was screaming while I tried my best to keep us alive, or so I thought.  It was 5 minutes of sheer terror.  As the ride came to an end I lost my grip on the steering wheel only to realize that the car steered itself.

Even as a kid, I saw the irony.  Not only did I not enjoy the ride, it was scary as hell.  All under the false belief that I had to control the situation.  When I finally let go, by accident mind you, I learned that it wasn’t my job at all.  Becky was too traumatized to enjoy the final 30 seconds, and my 7-year old brain sat in contemplation.  Huh?  What a waste of a ride.

So I think we often do the same thing with our lives, living it so that we “stay on track”.  We try so hard to control the outcome, in this case, what other people will think or feel -  we miss out on a lot of fun.  That, and we disconnect from ourselves and our own happiness, which often leads us to believe that others are responsible for our feelings.  A vicious cycle indeed.

You know, I am ready to be a grown up.  Especially if that means being happy.  One of my favorite quotes says something like – - the greatest gift you can give anyone is your own happiness.  I thinks it’s so true.  When we take it upon ourselves to be happy, it’s no one else’s responsibility, and that frees people up to do what makes them happy.  Not that they need to wait for our cue, but it seems like a win-win.

And how ironic that my definition of being a grown-up means making myself happy.  Guess I get to be a kid again:).