Post Mental Scorn (you know, PMS)

Yes, I’m going to do it.  Talk about PMS in a blog.  While I wanted to share an inspiring, uplifting post, it’s just not happening right now. 

So I know I have PMS when I start honking at people on the road.  In fact there is a direct correlation with the intensity of my PMS and the number of times I honk in a day.  I think it was about 3 honks today.  It’s gone as high as 7.  Although the 7-honk day was a few years back when probably I just had road rage too.

Although this may be amusing, and well, true, please bear in mind that I in no way mean it derogatorily (not actually a word).  It’s a fact that female hormones (and I bet male hormones as well) fluctuate during the month.  Way TMI, but this was my first PMS experience of my 34th year of enlightenment.  Har har.  And it began by getting pulled over at 7am this morning.  Nice.  My tags were expired.  Seriously, how can they see a tiny tag when the sun hasn’t even risen!  And then I start thinking about what a crappy job it is to be a cop (no offense).  I mean their whole job is about punishing people.  That cannot be good for the psyche.  Digressing…

So I got a ticket, handled it well enough, but apparently there was some residual rage going on which led me to drive like a jackass on the way to work.  And of course I was late for my 8am meeting, even though I left extra early.  I could go on, but for the most part, the day continued on this trajectory.  Two pints of Ben and Jerry’s later (purchased, not completely consumed), and I’m feeling a little bit better.

Given my new efforts to take care of myself, I noticed a difference during today’s upheavals.  Namely, how I reacted to myself.  After honking at someone, or being pissed at someone else, or whatever, I usually then feel like absolute dirt and proceed to internally beat myself up.  Which, no surprise, leads me to behave in an even more unpleasant way.  Today, I was almost amused as I watched myself give the lady who drove the wrong way down the one-way parking lane and cut me off to get the spot I was turning into (I was going the “right” way, of course), the evil-eye.  You know, the, “I’m going to kill you now” look.  And then I saw how I wanted to totally demonize her and call her names.  But… I noticed this with some detachment, some space.  And I didn’t call myself names or say “I shouldn’t”, “I’m horrible”, etc…  Instead I said, “I hear you”, “that sucks”, “tough break”.  Miraculously, it helped.  I mean,  not sunshine and daisies, but stabilization.  And while there’s no denying that Ben & Jerry came through in a pinch, the real difference was giving myself a break.

On the subject of giving breaks, it certainly is interesting how quickly I jump to judging others – she had no right to do that!  I can’t believe he’s so insensitive!  But really, the biggest judging is going on inside my head.  I may get pissed off and angry in certain situations, honk, or imagine driving right into someone’s back fender (no judgement, remember:), but I’m realizing that the way out of that cycle is to start being okay with all of that.  I know this because 34 years of beating myself up mentally has improved nothing.

So I would say, if you’re willing to experiment, because I am, don’t even worry about giving the other person a break.  I mean not yet anyway.  Of course if you can do that, great.  But if you can’t, I say do your usual thing – honk, yell at the Indian credit card customer service rep named Carl, and when you’re done, instead of the old, “God, what’s wrong with me” or “I’m such a jerk”, try telling yourself, “that’s okay”.  You had a long/hard/PMSy day (insert your thing), and that’s okay.

I swear when we can do this, things ease up.  We ease up, our reactions to others ease up, and in turn, they ease up.  And if you can’t do that, just notice what you are doing and how you feel after you do it.  It always is an inside job.  Start with awareness, then move to SELF-compassion; follow these steps and you’re likely to reduce your Post Mental Scorn.  Now repeat for the rest of your life.  See, it’s easy.