Oh boy. Here we go. I knew it was coming and yet a part of me isn’t ready to let go. There’s no mistaking this internal shift that I feel. It’s like, well, letting go. There’s a sadness about it and a freedom. Hmm, what am I talking about? Still working on that myself. But since committing to making my personal care a priority, something was put in motion. Granted I’m not turning into Oprah Winfrey or anything, but I surely am seeing all the ways in which I keep myself stuck. In fact, I’m seeing it so clearly I almost don’t want to do it anymore. Craziness.
Not staying stuck, or in non-negative (har har, positive) language, would translate into moving forward. Moving forward and letting go of an old identity. You see, I’m getting more and more clarity on all the ways I focus and tune into what I’m lacking. It’s not like I’m a bad person for doing it, it’s just something I’ve done for so long it’s been part of my identity. I thought it was me. You know that whole forest from the trees thing? You’re so in it, it’s SO you, you can’t even see that it’s not you, that there’s another way.
Okay, so I’m watching HGTV tonight – strange, new obsession with this channel. In fact it’s thee only thing I watch. Apparently somebody wants a house (eh hem… me). Or a home. And of course tonight’s episode features the couple with lots of kids and even more grandkids and everyone’s hanging out and bonding, and I got it. Oh, I want that. I want a family. Not to mention that they had a paltry budget of $2 mm to spend on the new house so as to accommodate the grandkids. Okay, I want that too! Darn it, I’m on a roll here. The critical thing is that I’ve been watching HGTV for several months now – since discovering it’s existence – and instead of saying (thinking really) “I want that”, what I’ve really been saying/thinking is “How come I don’t have that?” Translation of super-sublte ego sabotage is… I feel like crap because I don’t have that. Or… I’m sad, lonely, and pathetic because I don’t have that. Charming I know:). I mean really, I can’t imagine why the men have not been lining up!? Although they are on match.com, but clearly that’s not working. Point being, something is shifting. I can feel it. It went from sinking, sad, unhappy feelings while watching HGTV, or married couples, or when my coworker shared a loving story about her mother-in-law (not being sarcastic) to feeling, clear, clean, happy feelings. Yes! Okay, that’s only happened once now, but I know it’s the start of a trend. Why? But I see it, my awareness around it is there.
And all of this means that I’ll have that home and family by Christmas, right? Well, maybe. Don’t want to rule anything out. But seriously, no pressure okay. I’m spilling this stuff here for the greater good. And mostly because it’s fun and I like to. The other thing I noticed after my HGTV shift was some fear. Fear about letting go of this old way of thinking, which is to say this old identity. Fear of who I’ll be or even what my life will be if I let go of that old habit. Can I trust that things will be okay and safe? Such a strange feeling, sort of like dipping my toe into a new pool of water. Really, I can do this??
Maybe it’s the meditation, the 5,000 self-help books I’ve read in the last three months, coaching, therapy, HGTV, who knows. It’s working. Part of me is beginning to trust that I can focus on what I do want instead of the lack thereof. That somehow the sky won’t fall if I trust that I can have what I want. Of course, there’s still some stickiness and plenty more work ahead, but I can feel a shift. And it’s hard to go back once that awareness is there. It’s that saying – when we know better, we do better.
So here’s to having what we want! Whatever that may be.
