Open Heart Adventure

This may sound totally depressing and even nihilistic, but I’ve recently discovered that giving up hope is the key to a happy life.  Yup, you heard me right, turning your back on hope may just be the single kindest thing you can do for yourself.

So hear me out.  The first time I read this suggestion I was stunned.  In a Buddhist book no less.  Which in all actuality is not that surprising.  This idea of giving up hope runs so counter to everything we’ve ever been told, taught, or brainwashed to believe, that people have gotten angry with me for putting it out there.  And I decided to “put it out there” in this blog because remembering to give up hope helped me out just the other day.

I was at work not doing work, trolling Facebook and skimming through Twitter.  Which is an admittedly bad habit.  More so because I’m in a cubicle and as Murphy’s Law would have it, for the 30 seconds that I’m on one of these social media time warps, the CEO of my firm invariably walks past my desk.  And usually I’m caught trying to close it before he catches me, which of course looks just great.  I swear I’m a good worker, but everyone needs a little break.  Okay, you’re not my CEO, so nevermind.

So I started thinking about a guy, whilst on Facebook, whilst at work.  Lost in my daydream, or day-mare, I began getting depressed about the whole situation.  The story I wove in that 60 second period brought up some pretty painful stuff.  I pined for what I thought should have happened, for the outcome I had hoped for.  Leading to a listless despondency.  I mean, not really, but I wanted to use those words.  Anyway, then I snapped out of it and remembered to give up hope.  Oh goodie.

By giving up hope of some fruition, of some unlikely outcome, well I could go back to work.  But more importantly, I could stop torturing myself.  In many respects when we “have hope” we’re saying that right now is not okay and hopefully at some future date things will be better.  By living in a state of perpetual “hopefulness” we rob ourselves of the present moment.  And when you consider that your entire life is simply a series of present moments, you essentially rob yourself of your entire life.  Now that’s depressing.

And I know, I know, you don’t want to give up hope.  You don’t want to lose heart.  But I think the reason giving up hope is so scary is because we believe that it’s the only way to improve our situation.  However, if you take a real close look (and I highly recommend this), you begin to notice that having hope often gives you the opposite of what you’ve been hoping for.  But not always…

There are two ways in my view, to approach hope.  You can come from a place of  – - where I am right now sucks.  Or you can come from a “wouldn’t it be nice if…” sort of place.  The latter is helpful, the former is not.  I suspect that a lot of the hopefulness out there in the good ‘ol USA is of the – - where I am right now sucks – - variety.  Unhelpful.

That’s an important distinction because depending on where you’re coming from you get a whole different outcome.  When you can appreciate where you are now, getting excited about a new possibility is well, exciting.  It’s fun and light-hearted.  And it’s NOT the end of the world if it doesn’t happen.  Why?  Because everything’s already okay.  When you desperately need something to happen – when you still have hope that getting what you want is possible – you set yourself up for a whole lot of pain and suffering.  And interestingly, being hopeful or not has absolutely no effect on the outcome.

So giving up hope is a really kind thing to do.  When you give up hope you can finally begin to look at your life.  As it is.  You can start where you are.  Which is the only place from which to effect change.  If that happens to be what you want to do.

So an amazing thing happened.  Well, almost happened.  A dream job I had applied for over a year ago suddenly showed up on my doorstep.  Or, er, inbox.

To set the scene, two years earlier I left a fancy financial job to persue my life-long dream of living abroad in France.  That was a mouthful.  Anyway, the trip turned out to be just the thing (understatement), and upon returning home I was inspired, and determined, to follow my heart and avoid all-things finance.  So I eagerly applied for a student advisor position with Emory University.  Three times.  And nadda.  Nothing.  Not even a, “we got your resume, and why are you applying?”  Which maybe was a good thing looking back.

Fast forward 1.5 years and somehow I’ve landed myself a job, you guessed it, back with my previous employer, doing…right again, finance.  Only this time it’s different (which is funny because in finance, that’s a total lie).  But I’m serious, I’m different this time.  I’m happy, in charge of my faculties (most of them anyway), and really pleased with my decision to return after they asked me back.  Hey, it’s nice to be wanted.

With my new-found funds from my new-old-found job, I decided to take a trip to Arizona to meet Koelle Simpson, horse whisperer and life coach extraordinaire.  My friend, another amazing coach, Laurie Gay, had seen Koelle six months earlier and made some big changes in her life after working with the horses.  Now it was my turn, and I was excited, really excited.  And a little nervous.  What would happen?  What big changes would I make?  God, please, just don’t let me quit my job.  Anything but that.

And you guessed it (enjoying this phrase tonight), Emory University emailed me about that “dream-job” after day one with the horse whisperer.  Seriously?  Really?!  Included in the email was the statement, “we have your resume from a year ago.”  Come on people, you’re killing me here.

So of course it was a “sign”.  The Universe had spoken and this was it – my opportunity to finally, at long last, listen.  To my heart.  And if I didn’t…

It meant I failed the test.  A twisted test that would determine if I had the balls (excuse the language) to finally be true to myself and do what was right for me.

And boy was that a lot of pressure.

I had just started back with my old firm 5 months earlier - you know, the one where I quit unexpectedly 2 years before as a partner.  And no, that didn’t go over well.  Not at first anyway.  So here I was faced with an “ideal” opportunity before me and some potentially painful decisions.  I had to pony-up (pun intended:) and tell these guys yet again, that I wanted out.

But…something wasn’t sitting right.  Maybe it was the hefty credit card balance I had accrued (oops), maybe it was the thought of the imminent lynching that would probably ensue, or maybe it was something else altogether.  Nothing a weekend of meditation couldn’t solve.

And you know what?  It did.  I spent Friday night, all day Saturday and Sunday sitting on a cushion not thinking.   Or trying not to think.  Or trying to not try to not think.  AHH.  In any case, the weekend gave me enough space, and shall we say, wisdom, to see something that had been hidden for pretty much my entire life.

What I realized was that this so-called “sign” was just another way for me to hand over my power to someone (something) else.  From the moment I received the email from Emory, it was a done-deal.  It was a sign!  I lost myself in all of the hocus-pocus and didn’t even stop to consider if it was the right thing for me right now.  In fact, the situation was eerily reminiscent of the time when I first became a partner with my current employer.  Once the partner opportunity had presented itself, I had to do it.  It was all or nothing, and essentially a choiceless situation in my view.  Quite a powerless position as it turned out.

And that’s an important point.  Signs can be incredibly magical, confirming and validating our deepest joys and yearnings.  Or they can be yet another ball and chain.  There is a big difference between surrendering intelligently to your life, to the heavens, to what rings true, and handing over your personal power to some external entity.  I was participating in the latter.

Magical decisions, in my experience, are made when we’re conscious and present to our lives.  And while signs can act as fabulous guideposts, following them blindly is just another way of abdicating your power.  And that very much belongs to you.

Soooo.  I’ve been out of the habit of writing.  Which totally just sparked an idea for this blog.  Yay!  Habits.   That’s the idea.

This January I started a new (old) job, and of course, with the new job, I began my morning commute.  Only, the road I had taken before (to the old job that is now the new old job) was closed because a bridge was out.  Follow?  So I took a different route, because you know, I had to.  And then three months later, the original, better route opened back up.  And I forgot to take it.  Like 20 times.  Okay, more like three.  But still.

Yes, the better road was open.  It was shorter, prettier, easier to get to.  And I kept not taking it.  Which is amazing really.  It finally occurred to me to stick a post-it note on my steering wheel in order to remember to go straight instead of turning left onto the longer, uglier, more trafficky road.  And then, my brain still wanted to turn left even with the sticky note.  Although I didn’t, but boy did I want to.

Which again, fascinating.  I mean, think about it.  This is a simple, clear-cut example of two alternative choices, one clearly offering a better outcome then the other, and yet I kept taking the longer route.  Not because it was better, but because I was in the habit.  This is like the perfect, accidental experiment showing me (and now you) the power of my (your) habits.

Thank you God.  Seriously.

Because that little experience made me realize how many other things I do in my life – on a small and frighteningly large scale - that give me bad outcomes.  And how, jeez louise, if it was so hard to not turn left, how much harder is it to stop doing stuff that I’ve been doing for years?!  Overwhelm.  Okay, deep breath.

But you know, it’s okay.  It’s actually an opportunity to give ourselves a break.  It helped me realize how strong a hold a habit can have.  On my commute.  On my happiness.  On my life.

It’s like, okay, wow, the brain wants to just keep doing what it’s doing, even if it’s really painful.  Apparently that’s just the way it rolls.  Or the way mine rolls anyway.  But actually, research shows that it takes at least three times of doing something new before a habit is formed.  And then a fourth time just to make sure.  You know.

Which again is awesome.  Because when you know how your brain rolls, then you can train it.  Literally much like you would a dog.  And dogs are awesome, but I’ll talk more about that another time.

The first step to forming a new habit is of course to notice that you have an unhelpful habit going.  Without that whole awareness piece you are not in charge of your destiny.  You are seriously on autopilot – being driven by unconscious habits that may or may not be helpful.

So yes, notice.  Please notice.  I meditate which helps me notice, but whatever floats your boat – walks in nature, prayer, journaling, therapy.  Hey, coaching:).

Once you notice what you’re doing and what it’s getting you, you can then access – is this helpful?  Is this particular habit getting me closer to or further from feeling  happy?  Is it helping me move towards my dreams or totally sabotaging any chance in hell I might have of achieving them?  You know, reflect.

Then, if the outcome from your particular habit sucks, get a new one.  And train man, train!  Really, any good athlete, even one with natural ability, has to practice.  But even before practice, you have to set yourself up for success.  You’ve got to re-route that rut in your brain to start a new habit.  And how do we do this?  Bribery!

I’m serious.  And this is my teacher, Martha Beck’s, tip.  If you don’t like your current habit and you’re ready to start a new one, you may just need to sweeten the pot.  You know it’s going to take a least 3 times, 4 really, to train your brain to do something new, so set yourself up for success.  Each time you do the new habit, reward yourself.  Maybe it’s watching a TV show, maybe it’s going to the dog park (that’s mine), but whatever brings you some joy.  Do it!  Because eventually, the new habit will bring you the joy.  And to be safe, after you’ve done it 4 times, you need a bigger reward.  Like a pedicure or something (I’m speaking mainly to women here, but if you’re inclined, go for it guys!).

So that’s it.  It’s amazing how much of what we do is unconscious, but once we notice, we take back our own power to choose, and to be happy.

So it’s been a while.  I seem to have temporarily fallen off my self-constructed wagon.  But not really.  I am as focused as ever on taking care of myself (that’s the wagon), just haven’t felt like writing about it.  Which brings me to my title, “Trust”.  My newest discovery during this year of “taking care” has brought me to the conclusion that most of life’s little - and big – challenges come down to trust.   Being brave enough to follow my own internal compass.

So I haven’t felt like writing for one reason or another and immediately the guilt came up, and the “I should’s”, and thoughts like, oh no, I will be letting down the people who read this thing!  But you know, I didn’t feel like writing.  And I started to realize that I have a choice here.  I can force myself to write a blog or two so as to not let down my 12 readers; I can not write and feel guilty about it (ahh, what’s wrong with me?! I should be writing blogs); or I can trust that not feeling like writing is exactly where I am, and consequently, exactly what I need to not do.

There are plenty of times when we tell ourselves that if we don’t do something we can’t stand, or if we do do something other’s won’t like, that it will lead to disaster, or worse, everyone hating us.  But will it really?

I think what really happens when we don’t trust ourselves, i.e., give ourselves the care, or space, or permission to do what we really want, is that we end up hating, none other than ourselves.  It’s this double-edged sword of feeling obligated (terrible word) to do what is expected, or worse still, to do what we think they want us to do.  Uhh, what is that?  In a world where we don’t even know what the hell we want to do half the time, do we really think we’re going to be able to guess what someone else wants us to do?  Exhausting.  I have to sit down.

Okay, let’s say you decide to do the thing you “have” to do.  And by the way, there are really only two things you have to do, and that’s breathe until you die.  Everything else is a choice.  Granted, some choices have less favorable consequences than others, but you always have a choice.  Okay, back to the scenario of doing what you “have” to do.  Suppose you spend your only two weeks off with your in-laws in Boca, because it’s the “right” thing to do.  You manage not to kill yourself, your husband (you’re a female in this scenario), or your in-laws.  But what happens when the vacation’s over?

Usually when we do stuff we don’t want to do, one of two things happen.  We feel really angry, resentful even.  Towards the in-laws, the husband, and deep down, towards ourselves.  Or we go into denial.  Perhaps we’re so cut off from our true wants and needs, that our identity becomes that of a martyr.  We get so much out of giving to others, we lose ourselves.  And ALWAYS at our own expense.  Note that I’m not at all saying it’s bad to give to others, but it’s detrimental to our own well-being when we don’t first take care of our ourselves.

I’ll be the first to admitt that it can feel really scary to not do what you think “they” want you to do.  But there’s a way through, and it all comes down trusting yourself.  And it does take a lot of practice, particularly if for the past 30 years all you’ve done is focused on everyone’s wants and needs but your own.

My advice is to start small.  Say you’re at a restaurant and the waiter asks if you’d like pepper on your meal.  Yes, this is seriously my example.  But think about it, or better yet, don’t think about it.  When the pepper man comes by and asks - it’s your moment to trust yourself.  Do I want pepper?  Will I enjoy my meal better with the pepper or without it?  Sometimes you don’t know, so at first it can be an experiment.  Try with pepper and see how it tastes.  Next time maybe you’ll want to skip the pepper.

From there you can move on to other experiments, like when your newish friend asks you for help moving.  Will I enjoy my Saturday more or less if I help this friend move?  Okay, duh.

Usually we know what we want, but we’ve rigorously trained in the dark arts of stuffing ourselves into a small smelly cave where no one can hear our screams.  Including ourselves.  It’s scary to think that some people might not be happy with our choices, but scarier still, how unhappy we’ll be with ourselves when we don’t listen to that faint voice.

It’s a gift and sometimes a skill to trust ourselves.  We can’t please all of the people all of the time, but we can take care of ourselves and be responsible for our own choices.  When we can do that, our happiness is no one’s responsibility but our own.  And even better, we’re free from the burden of believing we’re responsible for anyone else’s happiness.

It has just occurred to me that I am not as dumb as I thought I am, was, whatever.  Anyway, thank God.  Despite this whole notion of everyone having a fixed IQ – which is total hogwash - I’ve had this feeling that I’ve been getting smarter with age.  I knew I wasn’t “supposed” to get smarter according to traditional thought (irony to follow), but yet I was doing better in school, passing big ugly tests, and well, just feeling smarter.  It didn’t make sense until I noticed instances when I was scared, stressed, or otherwise on edge.  And how my brain would literally shut down.  As in, stop working.  It was like this big black hole of nothingness.  Hello, anyone in there?

What I realized was, my intelligence, and well, everyone’s intelligence, is very much a function of our karma.  And by karma, I mean all our shite (that’s German for #$%@).  Basically, as I’ve gotten more diligent about noticing and sometimes addressing my crazy, unhelpful patterns, I’ve gotten more confident, i.e. less scared, and as a result, well, less dumb.  It’s as though my brain has opened up.  In a good way.

We’ve all heard about those research studies where kids who were put into the lower reading groups early on, often fell further behind in school.  And those other kids, the “gifted” ones, continued to excel.  Anyway, this all goes back to what we believe about ourselves, and really, how much we believe in ourselves.  How karmically-clear we are.

By ”believing in yourself” I mean your ability to trust yourself – - Will they think what I said was stupid?  Was that appropriate?  God I can’t believe I thought she was pregnant, I’m such an idiot.  Okay, sorry, that one just slipped out.  But that internal dialogue we have with ourselves, or really, at ourselves, is directly correlated to our levels of self-doubt, and indirectly correlated to how we feel about ourselves.  What I’m trying to say here is that the less internal bashing you inflict upon yourself, the more you trust yourself, and the smarter you are.  The end.

Okay, not really.  But think about it.  When was the last time you had a total cluster situation?  What was going on?  Were you nervous?  Did you feel inadequate around that particular person or group of people?  Were you focused on how your comments and actions were received by the other person as opposed to being present?

The more we focus on the other person, the less aware we are about what’s going on with us.  Essentially, we’re in their “business”.  We’re no longer in our “business” and that’s when things start to shut down.  Or in some cases, speed up, sweat profusely, loose all sense of coordination, etc…  Basically, we look like arses.

Okay, so compare that to the opposite situation.  When was the last time something went really well?  Either you made a great impression, solved a tricky problem, or just felt all-around good about some work you did?  What was going on there?  Again, just a guess, but I’d imagine you were probably doing your thing.  In the zone.  In the flow.

That’s because we literally get smarter, function better, and mess up less when we’re present.  In this moment now.  Which is to say, turning down the volume on all the mental crap that floats in our heads.

The point is to shed some light on all that karmic crap in your head.  Really, karma is just cause and effect.  You do, say, not-do something and there’s an effect.  Maybe you don’t feel it today, next year, or even in this lifetime, but it’ll catch up to you.  That sounds scary.  It’s not, it’s just good basic Buddhist logic.  The key is to bring consciousness to the “cause” side of the equation, your karma.  Bad karma, old, painful patterns, or unconscious thoughts (it’s all the same stuff) can act like a blanket of gray, gloomy clouds that prevents you from seeing straight.  But when you start to notice the karmic cloud, it loses its power over you.  You start to see that you are not your thoughts, and you are not your karma.

Without that awareness, though, bad karma can dumb you down, and even take your life totally off course.  Like when you wake up at age 40 and ask yourself, how did I get here?  Karma baby!  Again, start with noticing.  And keep in mind that all of your craziness, all the stuff you don’t want to see, is intimately tied together with your wisdom.  You can’t access one without the other, so be sure to treat yourself kindly when you do notice.

Greetings blog-readers (and so much more)!  You may be wondering what “Wet Elbows” is all about.  First, it’s about a blog title that rocks!  Seriously, I’m a dork, but yesterday I had wet elbows.  On the inside.  And I thought – what a great title for my next, long-overdue blog post!

So a quick recap as it relates to my wet elbows.  Okay, and it’s an in-depth recap as well.  As you may know I spent last year working hard at financial planning and spent a little bit of time coaching (love the coaching!).  In fact, a lot of the coaching was self-coaching, which, turns out led to some good stuff and me feeling better in general.   One of that good stuff was my old employer calling me about a new opportunity.  Long story short, I am back with said old employer and am very happy with my decision to return.  But… there was some serious soul-searching about the decision.

A big part of me wondered if I could be happy there.  I mean, I’ve started meditating, coaching, and not really teaching yoga.  So how would a corporate financial job fit in with all of that?  Weighing more heavily on my mind were memories of feeling trapped when I was last there as a partner.  At the time I thought being there meant giving up on my France plans, giving up on my freedom, and ultimately the adventurous life I’d envisioned.  In a way I felt like I was giving up on myself.

The way I interpreted my situation back then caused some serious side effects, namely insomnia, hip pain, and intense anxiety.  Actually, they were more like primary effects.  It was my body’s way of saying, HELLO!  What are you doing?  You are not happy – please make some changes!  And of course I didn’t listen, until I couldn’t not listen.  Ultimately I resigned, went to France, meditated a lot, and came home much more relaxed.

But looking back with a new perspective, it’s clear that my body was responding to the thoughts and beliefs I was telling myself.  Thoughts like – I’m trapped, I’ll never be happy here, I have to do this forever, etc…  My body literally began to shut down as though it was trapped.  And in fact, my outlook was so rigid, that most of the tightness happened around my joints.  Hips, jaws, ELBOWS.  Perfectly reflecting how rigid I had become in my thinking.

Today I still have a good amount of tightness, but it seems to be loosening up day by day.  When I meditate I often feel a cool wet sensation in the tight spots – a sign that trapped energy is escaping and moving more freely.  Yesterday this same sensation drifted to my elbows.  At one point I actually checked my shirt sleeves to make sure I hadn’t stuck both my elbows in water.  Not sure how I would have done that… But nope, dry as a bone.  They were just wet on the inside.

So how could I go back to my old employer after all the stress I’d experienced before?  Turns out the stories in my head created the vast majority of my stress.  I fully believed that I was trapped and stuck.  Until I quit, that is.  Duh.  I’m learning that any job, relationship, experience is what we make of it.  It’s a moment-by-moment thing.  Whenever we cover a situation or a person with a blanket label, we no longer see clearly.  It literally separates us from reality.  From what’s actually going on.  I’ve found that things are much more workable, and even enjoyable when we take them as they are, directly, without all the labels and unpleasant stories.

So I’m definitely checking in with my body more often these days.  It’s wicked smart and a great tool for detecting crappy stories.  That’s not to say that we as individuals don’t do better in some environments than others – I completely believe our strengths and interests make us more suited for some vocations than others.  But it sure is hard to know when your “story” drowns out a direct relationship with reality.  Point being, clean up the stories first and then your read on what’s a good fit (or not) becomes much more clear.

In my experience the body is an amazing, wise, and sensitive organism that has all sorts of insights to share.  Please listen.  Your body and your life will thank you.

A lot of people have been going through a lot lately.  Job losses, foreclosures, floods, pets dying, break-ups, break-downs, I don’t know – - Armageddon perhaps?  Well, maybe…  On a personal level anyway.  When big changes occur, or several consecutive small changes, it can feel like the sky is falling, our lives are crumbling, or even like we’re dying – at least a part of us.

Because change is a lot like death.  It’s this constant turning over – something old “dies” to make room for something new.  The process of living moment by moment is an experience of continually letting go. Which for a lot of us is seriously hard to do.  It’s letting go of our “rightness”, letting go of how things “ought” to be, and even letting go of who we thought we were.  Not a little unnerving.

So I’d like to suggest that with all the ups and downs going on in your life right now, you are not alone.  TRUST ME.  Then again, maybe that’s just my life.  So let’s pretend I’m not alone.  Ah, much better.  You’re not alone, and more than that, hanging in there, weathering these stormy seas, can lead to some meaningful breakthroughs.  I know, I’ve been there too.

Case in point.  I spent the summer of 2008 at a Buddhist Meditation Center in France.  Contrary to my expectations, the first month felt like hell on Earth.  My own, personal, private and oh-so intimate hell… right here.  On Earth.  I wanted to leave hourly.  It was a small French village with just one bus stop 2 miles down a country road and I walked to it regularly just to tell myself that I could get out of there.  But I didn’t leave.  I stayed and endured, and meditated, and hated it some more.  Until… I didn’t.  Until the burning desire to run away fizzled into a memory.  And then I loved it.

Fast forward to 2009.  I’m back home in the US, things are tumultuous yet again, but this time with relationships, career, money, hmm… did I leave anything out?  And while my wonderful co-worker almost got fired today for not meeting her sales numbers, and I sat there wondering what the hell kind of job is this, it occurred to me to hang in there.  That there is a light at the end of most tunnels.

The key, however, is not just to resign myself to misery, which I’m pretty good at.  But to get curious about it all.  I mean, you don’t have to be curious, you can just be pissed, but that’s no fun.  And there’s some serious growth potential in all the curiosity and awareness.  Whenever a person or a situation, or heck, your life, is pushing your buttons, it’s a great opportunity to tune in and figure out why.

After all, life has a way of sending these people or these circumstances our way, like it or not.  And if you want to keep repeating the same pain, have at it.  Change jobs.  Get out of your relationship.  Move to Alaska (been considering this one).  Or… try something different.  Stick with it.  Stay open to what it might have to teach you.  Chances are that all the painfulness and discomfort comes from some of the ways you see the world.  Some of the beliefs you hold so dear.  The beliefs that often define who you are.

But they don’t.  Beliefs are neither here nor there.  They’re neither right nor wrong.  They’re just how we interpret our worlds.  If you have some beliefs that cause you pain, or if you seem to be having deja vu with your new job, boss, spouse, etc… it might not be the situation or the person.  It might just be your beliefs.

I say all of this in the most non-judgemental way possible, which is a lot for me.  But I know how many times I’ve repeated the same situation or somehow ended up with a different version of the same boss I couldn’t stand.  And 9 times out of 10, I thought it was them, not me.  So I changed jobs.  Or I broke up with the guy.  Or I moved to France.

And you know, wherever you go, there you are.  So what I’ve learned is to make friends with me.  I mean, this is one relationship that’s here to stay.  And also, to hang in there.  To work through all the painful stuff that comes up in a job or a relationship.  Because if we don’t work on that stuff now, it’ll be there the next time.  I promise.  It’ll be there until we can look at things differently and change our relationships with ourselves.

Hanging in there is a committment to ourselves, a way to acknowledge the resiliency of our spirits and our capacity for growth.  I believe it’s worth a shot.

The question we usually get is – what do you want to be?  All our lives we’re supposed to know this or be moving towards it.  As though we are defined by what we do.  As though our profession or income-generating-job is who we are.  How many people do you know who love their jobs?  I know a few thankfully, but they are not the norm in my experience.  So… I suggest that the better question (at least for me) is – who do you want to be?

And this all comes down to authenticity.  An over-used term that is perhaps infrequently observed.  I’m sounding negative.. maybe so, but it’s not as much of a criticism as an observation.  And a personal experience.  What I’m getting at is that for a large chunk of my life I haven’t been “authentic”.  Not because I didn’t want to be, but because I didn’t know how to be.  Or more specifically, I didn’t know that I wasn’t being authentic.  Follow?

Back to that non-violent communication thing (last post).  I lot of what we happen to learn in American culture is to be “good”, behave well, do the right thing, etc… There’s all this praise and punishment that flies about and the good students, the diligent do-gooders, often suffer disproportionately. This isn’t me blaming culture, parents, teachers, whomever, but an observation of cause and effect.  I was keen to have the approval of adults and equally scared of the consequences of their scorn.  Which led to an intense study of people so that I could guess what they would or would not want to hear, see, feel.  And then I delivered.  Not who I was, but who I thought they wanted me to be.

And while I’m on this topic, who is this “they”?  Good question.  When we break it down, when we start to consider who it is we’re talking about, in my experience it’s usually comprised of about three people.  Three very powerful people in our worlds.  Martha Beck calls this group your “Everybody”.  Everybody thinks I should take that consulting job where I make 6 figures and work 80 hours a week.  “They” think it would be great for my career.  Or… “Everybody” thinks I’m nuts for selling all my possessions and traveling the world.

Our everybodies can go a long way in preventing us from being who we want to be.  Which is to say that our thoughts about what “everybody” thinks go a long way in preventing us from being ourselves.  Sorry, it’s always you and your stuff. 

So I ask the question - who do you want to be?  And importantly, how would it feel to be who you want to be?  What would you do (or what would you stop doing) if you could be exactly, perfectly you?

This is something I’m only recently exploring.  I want to be “authentic” like all the self-help books tell me I should be, but sometimes being authentic for me is maybe being a little inauthentic.  And that’s okay.  It can be scary to go from people pleasing person (however subtly) to do-whatever-the-hell-you-want person.  Usually that kind of shift backfires.

So I think my life’s purpose is to grow into myself.  To let whatever gifts, talents, opinions I have to fully express themselves.  Eventually.  And maybe it’s your’s too, I don’t know.  But life for me seems to be about learning to trust myself, learning that it’s okay to speak my mind and my heart even if it’s not what the other person wants to hear.  Anyway, how would I know what they want to hear?

Point is, not being completely authentic all of the time is not a reason to beat ourselves up.  I mean maybe Jesus or Buddha were authentic all the time, but those are tough acts to follow.  Maybe being authentic involves giving ourselves the space and the compassion to not feel completely safe enough to be ourselves.

It takes time to figure out who you are, and even more time to find the courage to share that person with others.  And then, once you think you’ve figured out who you are, you change your mind:).  Nothing’s permanent, certainly not our personalities.  But what’s important to me at this point in my life is giving myself permission to be me – whatever that looks like.

Imperfections and all.

Isn’t that nice?  And there’s nothing wrong with you either.  There’s nothing wrong with any of us!  I’m totally serious.  I’m re-reading the most amazing book, Non-Violent Communication and it really drives the point home.  In fact, the author makes the assertion that for years and centuries, and ever, we’ve been communicating in terms of what’s “wrong” or “right” with us.   Hooey.

Almost immediately upon someone pissing me off, a litany of unpleasant internal name-calling and judgements tumble in my head, and sometimes out of my mouth.  They’re so rude.  What a jerk.  What’s wrong with them?!  Ah-ha.  The wrong-ness factor rears it’s ugly head.  The number of times I think that someone else is “wrong” is likely a direct correlation to how “wrong” I think I am.

Look at our school system, corporations, heck, our relationships.  We use punishment and praise like it’s going out of style.  As though each individual is in a position to determine the wrongness and rightness of someone else, grading their actions, validating or negating their right to be on this earth.  It’s all so crazy.  And yet we do it so naturally.

What Non-Violent Communication (NVC) suggests is to instead speak in terms of our feelings and needs.  We’re all human, and hence we all have needs.  When our needs don’t get met, we feel stuff; usually unpleasant stuff.  And we often blame someone else for the unpleasantness we feel, when in point of fact, our feelings having nothing to do with someone else’s actions and everything to do with what we’re needing in that moment.

When we can claim our own feelings and explain them in terms of what we need, other people can relax and listen.  Oh, you feel frustrated when I ignore you because of your need for acknowledgement?  Versus – you’re such a jackass for not calling me!  Slightly different approaches there.  One is communicating and the other is, well, not.  In general, it’s a good idea to pretty much never believe anything anyone says about you.  Their opinion of you has nothing to do with you, and just about everything to do with how they’re feeling about themselves.

Case in point.  I’m about to over-share again…  Had a little moment the other day.  Was stewing about my past relationships and realized that in the most recently-past relationship, which excuse me for not mentioning until now… I was using punishment as a way to get what I wanted.  Very subtlety, mind you.  Did it work?  Nope.  Does it work sometimes?  Yes, but not without consequences.

What occurred to me was that I would oh-so-imperceptively hint that something was wrong with my ex for not wanting to move forward in our relationship.  You know, get married.  That was my whole strategy.  You are wrong, I am right.  Shouldn’t we get married?  Who could resist, I know.  Mind you, I was unaware of my strategy – which is a horribly bad strategy – but nevertheless, I used it because I had learned it inside and out as a child.

No blaming here, but pointing out that our culture is infused with the rightness/wrongness thing.  Some people feel pretty good about themselves and tend to be a little more laid-back about other people’s behavior (they know it has nothing to do with them).  But for those of us who occasionally feel less-than-stellar about ourselves, or doubt our inherent goodness, unpleasant behavior can trigger all sorts of stuff.  Because if someone is not cooperating, or behaving in the way we want, there must be something wrong with them.  Either that, or there’s something wrong with us, which we secretly suspect, and that’s just too scary to consider.

So great, nothing’s wrong with anyone, but I’m still pissed off.  I want him/her to stop/start doing that?

The book suggests that given the opportunity, people will behave in ways that contribute to other people’s well-being.  Think about it.  Recall a time when you did something for someone else that really brought them joy.  How did it feel?  In my experience, nothing beats it.

And so, the trick is to give people the opportunity to contribute to our well-being, and vice versa.  By asking.  Not demanding.  When we can express what we’re feeling and needing, we can also request a new behavior.  Example – Honey, when you don’t call I feel hurt because I need to know I’m appreciated.  Would you consider calling me next time you’re out late?

Anyway, it will probably go further than name-calling or subtle put-downs.

Last thing – how do you talk to yourself?  How often do you call yourself names?  I thought so.  Try talking to yourself with non-violent communication (the book can help).  When we’re more compassionate with ourselves, it’s a lot easier to get along with everyone else.

Ughghgh.  I suspect the Ex is reading this.  Stop that!  It’s hard to be totally honest, upfront, and glib with the thought of the Ex reading my stuff.  Will I seem desperate?  Yes.  Will I seem graspy?  Probably.  Will I read into what I think he’s reading into my blog?  Yes.  Am I crazy?  Uh, no.  Don’t answer that.

Who doesn’t want to be all fine and good, and happy, and yadda yadda post break-up?  You know the secret fantasy (no, not sex) that you’ll run into him looking amazingly great with the amazingly fabulous new boyfriend?  Yes you do.  And it just occurred to me that ex is sex without the “s”.  Brilliant.  Side note.  I just drank two large cups of caffeinated Teavana tea following a date with an epidemiologist.  Bear with me.  I will regret posting this later.

So maybe it would be best for me to post things about gratitude and self-empowerment and other forms of uh-hem, bull s#$%, but that is soo not me right now.  Anyone who knows me knows that I’m often times painfully honest.  Perhaps at my own expensive.  But I soo appreciate honest people.  People who are real and un-afraid to share what’s on their hearts.  It gives all of us permission to do the same, to be human.

Okay, recovered from tea overdose and now have total writer’s block.  Darn.  Ahh.  Okay, so being real, sharing what’s going on inside, etc., etc…  Nope.  Nothing.

I know what it is.  I don’t want to share this bit.  Don’t want to expose my vulnerability.  What do I lose (think I lose) in being honest?  Here it is.  As soon as I start to feel better, have fun, move on with my life, I’m afraid about not feeling sad.  As though if I no longer feel sad, bad, lonely, due to the break-up, what?  What am I afraid of?  Losing the ex forever (I hate writing that btw)?  Being happy?  Being responsible for my life?

Today I was in Pottery Barn and spent more time studying the couples than the couches.  Did we look like that?  Would a stranger have thought us happy?  Is it possible for me to be in Pottery Barn and not feel totally depressed?  There I was surrounded by sparkly green pillows (which were awesome btw) feeling sorry for myself.  Probably in the hopes that someone would notice and care…  Did they?  No.

I think I’ve spent a lot of time shutting off my own happiness in the hopes that someone else would take notice and do it for me.  Not to say that it’s okay to feel sad from time to time, but it is important to remember that’s it’s okay to be happy too.  There is actually no downside to feeling good and not missing the ex.  Doing so will not close any doors anymore than feeling sad and pathetic will.  In fact, the sad pathetic bit will go much further in door-closing.

Really, it all comes down to a leap of faith.  Trusting that what’s going on right now is exactly what needs to be going on.  That for whatever reason, it didn’t work out between the two of us and letting go will in fact open up more doors.  Not close them.  It’s about getting to know myself and seeing that I’m fine and happy and grateful (no BS) on my own.  It’s really a major time to heal.

I think the big misperception is this idea that we can’t feel love without that special someone.  That something’s missing if we’re not in a romantic relationship.  When in reality, those feelings of love are inherent to us.  They’re in there, we just need to clear out the crap – those little lies we tell ourselves that block feeling good.

What I noticed in Pottery Barn was that when I decided to stay with myself, enjoy the store, ignore the sad story, I had a lot of fun.  I began to dismantle the blockages in my brain, the ones that stop me from feeling good.  The good is there.  The love is there.  It’s just a matter of checking in and giving myself permission to feel it.