Open Heart Adventure

It has just occurred to me that I am not as dumb as I thought I am, was, whatever.  Anyway, thank God.  Despite this whole notion of everyone having a fixed IQ – which is total hogwash - I’ve had this feeling that I’ve been getting smarter with age.  I knew I wasn’t “supposed” to get smarter according to traditional thought (irony to follow), but yet I was doing better in school, passing big ugly tests, and well, just feeling smarter.  It didn’t make sense until I noticed instances when I was scared, stressed, or otherwise on edge.  And how my brain would literally shut down.  As in, stop working.  It was like this big black hole of nothingness.  Hello, anyone in there?

What I realized was, my intelligence, and well, everyone’s intelligence, is very much a function of our karma.  And by karma, I mean all our shite (that’s German for #$%@).  Basically, as I’ve gotten more diligent about noticing and sometimes addressing my crazy, unhelpful patterns, I’ve gotten more confident, i.e. less scared, and as a result, well, less dumb.  It’s as though my brain has opened up.  In a good way.

We’ve all heard about those research studies where kids who were put into the lower reading groups early on, often fell further behind in school.  And those other kids, the “gifted” ones, continued to excel.  Anyway, this all goes back to what we believe about ourselves, and really, how much we believe in ourselves.  How karmically-clear we are.

By ”believing in yourself” I mean your ability to trust yourself – - Will they think what I said was stupid?  Was that appropriate?  God I can’t believe I thought she was pregnant, I’m such an idiot.  Okay, sorry, that one just slipped out.  But that internal dialogue we have with ourselves, or really, at ourselves, is directly correlated to our levels of self-doubt, and indirectly correlated to how we feel about ourselves.  What I’m trying to say here is that the less internal bashing you inflict upon yourself, the more you trust yourself, and the smarter you are.  The end.

Okay, not really.  But think about it.  When was the last time you had a total cluster situation?  What was going on?  Were you nervous?  Did you feel inadequate around that particular person or group of people?  Were you focused on how your comments and actions were received by the other person as opposed to being present?

The more we focus on the other person, the less aware we are about what’s going on with us.  Essentially, we’re in their “business”.  We’re no longer in our “business” and that’s when things start to shut down.  Or in some cases, speed up, sweat profusely, loose all sense of coordination, etc…  Basically, we look like arses.

Okay, so compare that to the opposite situation.  When was the last time something went really well?  Either you made a great impression, solved a tricky problem, or just felt all-around good about some work you did?  What was going on there?  Again, just a guess, but I’d imagine you were probably doing your thing.  In the zone.  In the flow.

That’s because we literally get smarter, function better, and mess up less when we’re present.  In this moment now.  Which is to say, turning down the volume on all the mental crap that floats in our heads.

The point is to shed some light on all that karmic crap in your head.  Really, karma is just cause and effect.  You do, say, not-do something and there’s an effect.  Maybe you don’t feel it today, next year, or even in this lifetime, but it’ll catch up to you.  That sounds scary.  It’s not, it’s just good basic Buddhist logic.  The key is to bring consciousness to the “cause” side of the equation, your karma.  Bad karma, old, painful patterns, or unconscious thoughts (it’s all the same stuff) can act like a blanket of gray, gloomy clouds that prevents you from seeing straight.  But when you start to notice the karmic cloud, it loses its power over you.  You start to see that you are not your thoughts, and you are not your karma.

Without that awareness, though, bad karma can dumb you down, and even take your life totally off course.  Like when you wake up at age 40 and ask yourself, how did I get here?  Karma baby!  Again, start with noticing.  And keep in mind that all of your craziness, all the stuff you don’t want to see, is intimately tied together with your wisdom.  You can’t access one without the other, so be sure to treat yourself kindly when you do notice.

Greetings blog-readers (and so much more)!  You may be wondering what “Wet Elbows” is all about.  First, it’s about a blog title that rocks!  Seriously, I’m a dork, but yesterday I had wet elbows.  On the inside.  And I thought – what a great title for my next, long-overdue blog post!

So a quick recap as it relates to my wet elbows.  Okay, and it’s an in-depth recap as well.  As you may know I spent last year working hard at financial planning and spent a little bit of time coaching (love the coaching!).  In fact, a lot of the coaching was self-coaching, which, turns out led to some good stuff and me feeling better in general.   One of that good stuff was my old employer calling me about a new opportunity.  Long story short, I am back with said old employer and am very happy with my decision to return.  But… there was some serious soul-searching about the decision.

A big part of me wondered if I could be happy there.  I mean, I’ve started meditating, coaching, and not really teaching yoga.  So how would a corporate financial job fit in with all of that?  Weighing more heavily on my mind were memories of feeling trapped when I was last there as a partner.  At the time I thought being there meant giving up on my France plans, giving up on my freedom, and ultimately the adventurous life I’d envisioned.  In a way I felt like I was giving up on myself.

The way I interpreted my situation back then caused some serious side effects, namely insomnia, hip pain, and intense anxiety.  Actually, they were more like primary effects.  It was my body’s way of saying, HELLO!  What are you doing?  You are not happy – please make some changes!  And of course I didn’t listen, until I couldn’t not listen.  Ultimately I resigned, went to France, meditated a lot, and came home much more relaxed.

But looking back with a new perspective, it’s clear that my body was responding to the thoughts and beliefs I was telling myself.  Thoughts like – I’m trapped, I’ll never be happy here, I have to do this forever, etc…  My body literally began to shut down as though it was trapped.  And in fact, my outlook was so rigid, that most of the tightness happened around my joints.  Hips, jaws, ELBOWS.  Perfectly reflecting how rigid I had become in my thinking.

Today I still have a good amount of tightness, but it seems to be loosening up day by day.  When I meditate I often feel a cool wet sensation in the tight spots – a sign that trapped energy is escaping and moving more freely.  Yesterday this same sensation drifted to my elbows.  At one point I actually checked my shirt sleeves to make sure I hadn’t stuck both my elbows in water.  Not sure how I would have done that… But nope, dry as a bone.  They were just wet on the inside.

So how could I go back to my old employer after all the stress I’d experienced before?  Turns out the stories in my head created the vast majority of my stress.  I fully believed that I was trapped and stuck.  Until I quit, that is.  Duh.  I’m learning that any job, relationship, experience is what we make of it.  It’s a moment-by-moment thing.  Whenever we cover a situation or a person with a blanket label, we no longer see clearly.  It literally separates us from reality.  From what’s actually going on.  I’ve found that things are much more workable, and even enjoyable when we take them as they are, directly, without all the labels and unpleasant stories.

So I’m definitely checking in with my body more often these days.  It’s wicked smart and a great tool for detecting crappy stories.  That’s not to say that we as individuals don’t do better in some environments than others – I completely believe our strengths and interests make us more suited for some vocations than others.  But it sure is hard to know when your “story” drowns out a direct relationship with reality.  Point being, clean up the stories first and then your read on what’s a good fit (or not) becomes much more clear.

In my experience the body is an amazing, wise, and sensitive organism that has all sorts of insights to share.  Please listen.  Your body and your life will thank you.

A lot of people have been going through a lot lately.  Job losses, foreclosures, floods, pets dying, break-ups, break-downs, I don’t know – - Armageddon perhaps?  Well, maybe…  On a personal level anyway.  When big changes occur, or several consecutive small changes, it can feel like the sky is falling, our lives are crumbling, or even like we’re dying – at least a part of us.

Because change is a lot like death.  It’s this constant turning over – something old “dies” to make room for something new.  The process of living moment by moment is an experience of continually letting go. Which for a lot of us is seriously hard to do.  It’s letting go of our “rightness”, letting go of how things “ought” to be, and even letting go of who we thought we were.  Not a little unnerving.

So I’d like to suggest that with all the ups and downs going on in your life right now, you are not alone.  TRUST ME.  Then again, maybe that’s just my life.  So let’s pretend I’m not alone.  Ah, much better.  You’re not alone, and more than that, hanging in there, weathering these stormy seas, can lead to some meaningful breakthroughs.  I know, I’ve been there too.

Case in point.  I spent the summer of 2008 at a Buddhist Meditation Center in France.  Contrary to my expectations, the first month felt like hell on Earth.  My own, personal, private and oh-so intimate hell… right here.  On Earth.  I wanted to leave hourly.  It was a small French village with just one bus stop 2 miles down a country road and I walked to it regularly just to tell myself that I could get out of there.  But I didn’t leave.  I stayed and endured, and meditated, and hated it some more.  Until… I didn’t.  Until the burning desire to run away fizzled into a memory.  And then I loved it.

Fast forward to 2009.  I’m back home in the US, things are tumultuous yet again, but this time with relationships, career, money, hmm… did I leave anything out?  And while my wonderful co-worker almost got fired today for not meeting her sales numbers, and I sat there wondering what the hell kind of job is this, it occurred to me to hang in there.  That there is a light at the end of most tunnels.

The key, however, is not just to resign myself to misery, which I’m pretty good at.  But to get curious about it all.  I mean, you don’t have to be curious, you can just be pissed, but that’s no fun.  And there’s some serious growth potential in all the curiosity and awareness.  Whenever a person or a situation, or heck, your life, is pushing your buttons, it’s a great opportunity to tune in and figure out why.

After all, life has a way of sending these people or these circumstances our way, like it or not.  And if you want to keep repeating the same pain, have at it.  Change jobs.  Get out of your relationship.  Move to Alaska (been considering this one).  Or… try something different.  Stick with it.  Stay open to what it might have to teach you.  Chances are that all the painfulness and discomfort comes from some of the ways you see the world.  Some of the beliefs you hold so dear.  The beliefs that often define who you are.

But they don’t.  Beliefs are neither here nor there.  They’re neither right nor wrong.  They’re just how we interpret our worlds.  If you have some beliefs that cause you pain, or if you seem to be having deja vu with your new job, boss, spouse, etc… it might not be the situation or the person.  It might just be your beliefs.

I say all of this in the most non-judgemental way possible, which is a lot for me.  But I know how many times I’ve repeated the same situation or somehow ended up with a different version of the same boss I couldn’t stand.  And 9 times out of 10, I thought it was them, not me.  So I changed jobs.  Or I broke up with the guy.  Or I moved to France.

And you know, wherever you go, there you are.  So what I’ve learned is to make friends with me.  I mean, this is one relationship that’s here to stay.  And also, to hang in there.  To work through all the painful stuff that comes up in a job or a relationship.  Because if we don’t work on that stuff now, it’ll be there the next time.  I promise.  It’ll be there until we can look at things differently and change our relationships with ourselves.

Hanging in there is a committment to ourselves, a way to acknowledge the resiliency of our spirits and our capacity for growth.  I believe it’s worth a shot.

The question we usually get is – what do you want to be?  All our lives we’re supposed to know this or be moving towards it.  As though we are defined by what we do.  As though our profession or income-generating-job is who we are.  How many people do you know who love their jobs?  I know a few thankfully, but they are not the norm in my experience.  So… I suggest that the better question (at least for me) is – who do you want to be?

And this all comes down to authenticity.  An over-used term that is perhaps infrequently observed.  I’m sounding negative.. maybe so, but it’s not as much of a criticism as an observation.  And a personal experience.  What I’m getting at is that for a large chunk of my life I haven’t been “authentic”.  Not because I didn’t want to be, but because I didn’t know how to be.  Or more specifically, I didn’t know that I wasn’t being authentic.  Follow?

Back to that non-violent communication thing (last post).  I lot of what we happen to learn in American culture is to be “good”, behave well, do the right thing, etc… There’s all this praise and punishment that flies about and the good students, the diligent do-gooders, often suffer disproportionately. This isn’t me blaming culture, parents, teachers, whomever, but an observation of cause and effect.  I was keen to have the approval of adults and equally scared of the consequences of their scorn.  Which led to an intense study of people so that I could guess what they would or would not want to hear, see, feel.  And then I delivered.  Not who I was, but who I thought they wanted me to be.

And while I’m on this topic, who is this “they”?  Good question.  When we break it down, when we start to consider who it is we’re talking about, in my experience it’s usually comprised of about three people.  Three very powerful people in our worlds.  Martha Beck calls this group your “Everybody”.  Everybody thinks I should take that consulting job where I make 6 figures and work 80 hours a week.  “They” think it would be great for my career.  Or… “Everybody” thinks I’m nuts for selling all my possessions and traveling the world.

Our everybodies can go a long way in preventing us from being who we want to be.  Which is to say that our thoughts about what “everybody” thinks go a long way in preventing us from being ourselves.  Sorry, it’s always you and your stuff. 

So I ask the question - who do you want to be?  And importantly, how would it feel to be who you want to be?  What would you do (or what would you stop doing) if you could be exactly, perfectly you?

This is something I’m only recently exploring.  I want to be “authentic” like all the self-help books tell me I should be, but sometimes being authentic for me is maybe being a little inauthentic.  And that’s okay.  It can be scary to go from people pleasing person (however subtly) to do-whatever-the-hell-you-want person.  Usually that kind of shift backfires.

So I think my life’s purpose is to grow into myself.  To let whatever gifts, talents, opinions I have to fully express themselves.  Eventually.  And maybe it’s your’s too, I don’t know.  But life for me seems to be about learning to trust myself, learning that it’s okay to speak my mind and my heart even if it’s not what the other person wants to hear.  Anyway, how would I know what they want to hear?

Point is, not being completely authentic all of the time is not a reason to beat ourselves up.  I mean maybe Jesus or Buddha were authentic all the time, but those are tough acts to follow.  Maybe being authentic involves giving ourselves the space and the compassion to not feel completely safe enough to be ourselves.

It takes time to figure out who you are, and even more time to find the courage to share that person with others.  And then, once you think you’ve figured out who you are, you change your mind:).  Nothing’s permanent, certainly not our personalities.  But what’s important to me at this point in my life is giving myself permission to be me – whatever that looks like.

Imperfections and all.

Isn’t that nice?  And there’s nothing wrong with you either.  There’s nothing wrong with any of us!  I’m totally serious.  I’m re-reading the most amazing book, Non-Violent Communication and it really drives the point home.  In fact, the author makes the assertion that for years and centuries, and ever, we’ve been communicating in terms of what’s “wrong” or “right” with us.   Hooey.

Almost immediately upon someone pissing me off, a litany of unpleasant internal name-calling and judgements tumble in my head, and sometimes out of my mouth.  They’re so rude.  What a jerk.  What’s wrong with them?!  Ah-ha.  The wrong-ness factor rears it’s ugly head.  The number of times I think that someone else is “wrong” is likely a direct correlation to how “wrong” I think I am.

Look at our school system, corporations, heck, our relationships.  We use punishment and praise like it’s going out of style.  As though each individual is in a position to determine the wrongness and rightness of someone else, grading their actions, validating or negating their right to be on this earth.  It’s all so crazy.  And yet we do it so naturally.

What Non-Violent Communication (NVC) suggests is to instead speak in terms of our feelings and needs.  We’re all human, and hence we all have needs.  When our needs don’t get met, we feel stuff; usually unpleasant stuff.  And we often blame someone else for the unpleasantness we feel, when in point of fact, our feelings having nothing to do with someone else’s actions and everything to do with what we’re needing in that moment.

When we can claim our own feelings and explain them in terms of what we need, other people can relax and listen.  Oh, you feel frustrated when I ignore you because of your need for acknowledgement?  Versus – you’re such a jackass for not calling me!  Slightly different approaches there.  One is communicating and the other is, well, not.  In general, it’s a good idea to pretty much never believe anything anyone says about you.  Their opinion of you has nothing to do with you, and just about everything to do with how they’re feeling about themselves.

Case in point.  I’m about to over-share again…  Had a little moment the other day.  Was stewing about my past relationships and realized that in the most recently-past relationship, which excuse me for not mentioning until now… I was using punishment as a way to get what I wanted.  Very subtlety, mind you.  Did it work?  Nope.  Does it work sometimes?  Yes, but not without consequences.

What occurred to me was that I would oh-so-imperceptively hint that something was wrong with my ex for not wanting to move forward in our relationship.  You know, get married.  That was my whole strategy.  You are wrong, I am right.  Shouldn’t we get married?  Who could resist, I know.  Mind you, I was unaware of my strategy – which is a horribly bad strategy – but nevertheless, I used it because I had learned it inside and out as a child.

No blaming here, but pointing out that our culture is infused with the rightness/wrongness thing.  Some people feel pretty good about themselves and tend to be a little more laid-back about other people’s behavior (they know it has nothing to do with them).  But for those of us who occasionally feel less-than-stellar about ourselves, or doubt our inherent goodness, unpleasant behavior can trigger all sorts of stuff.  Because if someone is not cooperating, or behaving in the way we want, there must be something wrong with them.  Either that, or there’s something wrong with us, which we secretly suspect, and that’s just too scary to consider.

So great, nothing’s wrong with anyone, but I’m still pissed off.  I want him/her to stop/start doing that?

The book suggests that given the opportunity, people will behave in ways that contribute to other people’s well-being.  Think about it.  Recall a time when you did something for someone else that really brought them joy.  How did it feel?  In my experience, nothing beats it.

And so, the trick is to give people the opportunity to contribute to our well-being, and vice versa.  By asking.  Not demanding.  When we can express what we’re feeling and needing, we can also request a new behavior.  Example – Honey, when you don’t call I feel hurt because I need to know I’m appreciated.  Would you consider calling me next time you’re out late?

Anyway, it will probably go further than name-calling or subtle put-downs.

Last thing – how do you talk to yourself?  How often do you call yourself names?  I thought so.  Try talking to yourself with non-violent communication (the book can help).  When we’re more compassionate with ourselves, it’s a lot easier to get along with everyone else.

Ughghgh.  I suspect the Ex is reading this.  Stop that!  It’s hard to be totally honest, upfront, and glib with the thought of the Ex reading my stuff.  Will I seem desperate?  Yes.  Will I seem graspy?  Probably.  Will I read into what I think he’s reading into my blog?  Yes.  Am I crazy?  Uh, no.  Don’t answer that.

Who doesn’t want to be all fine and good, and happy, and yadda yadda post break-up?  You know the secret fantasy (no, not sex) that you’ll run into him looking amazingly great with the amazingly fabulous new boyfriend?  Yes you do.  And it just occurred to me that ex is sex without the “s”.  Brilliant.  Side note.  I just drank two large cups of caffeinated Teavana tea following a date with an epidemiologist.  Bear with me.  I will regret posting this later.

So maybe it would be best for me to post things about gratitude and self-empowerment and other forms of uh-hem, bull s#$%, but that is soo not me right now.  Anyone who knows me knows that I’m often times painfully honest.  Perhaps at my own expensive.  But I soo appreciate honest people.  People who are real and un-afraid to share what’s on their hearts.  It gives all of us permission to do the same, to be human.

Okay, recovered from tea overdose and now have total writer’s block.  Darn.  Ahh.  Okay, so being real, sharing what’s going on inside, etc., etc…  Nope.  Nothing.

I know what it is.  I don’t want to share this bit.  Don’t want to expose my vulnerability.  What do I lose (think I lose) in being honest?  Here it is.  As soon as I start to feel better, have fun, move on with my life, I’m afraid about not feeling sad.  As though if I no longer feel sad, bad, lonely, due to the break-up, what?  What am I afraid of?  Losing the ex forever (I hate writing that btw)?  Being happy?  Being responsible for my life?

Today I was in Pottery Barn and spent more time studying the couples than the couches.  Did we look like that?  Would a stranger have thought us happy?  Is it possible for me to be in Pottery Barn and not feel totally depressed?  There I was surrounded by sparkly green pillows (which were awesome btw) feeling sorry for myself.  Probably in the hopes that someone would notice and care…  Did they?  No.

I think I’ve spent a lot of time shutting off my own happiness in the hopes that someone else would take notice and do it for me.  Not to say that it’s okay to feel sad from time to time, but it is important to remember that’s it’s okay to be happy too.  There is actually no downside to feeling good and not missing the ex.  Doing so will not close any doors anymore than feeling sad and pathetic will.  In fact, the sad pathetic bit will go much further in door-closing.

Really, it all comes down to a leap of faith.  Trusting that what’s going on right now is exactly what needs to be going on.  That for whatever reason, it didn’t work out between the two of us and letting go will in fact open up more doors.  Not close them.  It’s about getting to know myself and seeing that I’m fine and happy and grateful (no BS) on my own.  It’s really a major time to heal.

I think the big misperception is this idea that we can’t feel love without that special someone.  That something’s missing if we’re not in a romantic relationship.  When in reality, those feelings of love are inherent to us.  They’re in there, we just need to clear out the crap – those little lies we tell ourselves that block feeling good.

What I noticed in Pottery Barn was that when I decided to stay with myself, enjoy the store, ignore the sad story, I had a lot of fun.  I began to dismantle the blockages in my brain, the ones that stop me from feeling good.  The good is there.  The love is there.  It’s just a matter of checking in and giving myself permission to feel it.

Okay, I couldn’t decide on a title.  Definitely feeling lost in space, but still, I’m working on taking care.  Who says you can’t have it all!?!  Whah whah whah.  Yes, that’s totally lame and I will continue to do it.

Uhh.  Man, I’m not saying exactly what I want to say, probably because this isn’t my journal and really, you don’t want me to go there.  Or at least my mom doesn’t.  Then again, maybe it’s been so long since my last post that no one is reading this puppy.  Not counting on it, so here is the tame (i.e. boring?) version.

Okay, BIG discoveries again, and they actually tie into the theme of “taking care”.  And I’ll be honest, I’ve fallen off the wagon lately.  Moved last week, saw the ex, saw my dad, you know, shite happens.  Back on track.  So, yeah, not really.  Pretending, which is damn well good enough.  You are so bored by now.  I am bored.

Whatever, good, shoo.  What I’m realizing is that I don’t want to take care of me.  I want someone else to do it!  Really truly, it’s true.  I keep waiting for someone to rescue me (usually a guy) or I continue to wield an oh-so-subtle sob story.  And boy have I gotten good at this.  So subtle I almost don’t notice it.  When I talk to friends I seem to have some crappy story at the ready just in case said friend might be about helping sponsor my pity party.  It’s like this little drug – just one hit.  Just a small amount of sympathy to get me through the day.  Yuck.

Okay, now to move on from beating up on myself – which brings up another point.  That the beating up of one’s self perpetuates the pity party.  Pity party perpetuation.  That is an awesome title.

Stranger still is that I’m a pretty independent gal.  At least on paper.  My mom was a stay-at-home mom and although I broke the mold and went into finance, made some good money, and became independent, the draw of relinquishing responsibility – my own personal power – is awfully appealing.  Notice the use of the word “awfully”.

In our culture, and many cultures in fact, women have traditionally stayed home to take care of their man and their family.  NOTHING wrong with this.  Except when there’s something wrong with this.  Old habits die hard, but what do we give up by being “taken care of”?  A whole lot, I think.  Can we really be autonomous and authentic and powerful (in a non-nation conquering sort of way) when we depend on someone else to provide?  Okay, yes, I’m sure there are cases where it’s possible.  But a lot is changing in our society, and as painful and unsettling as the process may be, I think it’s a good thing.

Said as I’m scrolling through my match.com emails.  Har har.  Not EVEN kidding.  Which brings me back to myself.  Taking care is about 100% taking care of my happiness, my life, my decisions, my money, me.  It’s amazingly powerful and scary as hell.  So scary that I’m not even doing it yet.  Not all the way at least.

Part of me sees that when I depend on someone else to take care of me, I may have the illusion of security, but it comes at a price.  In relationships I’ve often tried to guess what it was my guy wanted from me, or who he wanted me to be.  If I could just be good enough, kind enough, helpful enough, he’d marry me.  He would rescue my ass and validate me.  Nope.  Only I can do that.  Quiet whining…  Okay, fine.

I’m not saying this is all women, not at all.  But probably more of us than we care to admit.  The irony is that we’re so much more attractive to the imaginary “prince charming” when we’re who we are.  When we’re content and fulfilled and not even thinking about him.  When we don’t need him.

Moral being, take good care ladies (and men).  It might be scary, it might be daunting, but it’s always ever been our life’s work.  Gulp.

Yes, I just posted something, I don’t know, 4 hours ago.  And yes, here I am again.  Completely restless, jumpy, searching for songs that will say just the right thing.  Say what I need to hear.  Haven’t found it yet.  Have asked my tweeps (people + twitter), have harrassed my sister, have searched itunes, all in vain.  Limited chocolate in the house, so no help there.  Seems that it’s not about hearing what someone else has to say, but perhaps expressing what it is I want to say.  You know, “Say what you need to say”, John Mayer.  Hesitation… To post or not to post?  Plunge.

Relationships.  Letting go.  Holding the pain that’s in your heart and moving on anyway.  Wowch.  Where are these relationship blogs?  Or does no one want to own up to the painful remnants of a failed relationship?  I don’t.  But here goes…

First gratitude.  Grateful for you questioning my crazy, worst-case scenario perspectives, mostly about myself, and giving me another view.  And I believed you, for the first time.  And in turn, began to believe in myself.  Grateful for your kindness.  Rolling every last item in my suitcase into strange, compact, sausage-like structures such that it closed.  While I took a bath and avoided a melt-down.  Grateful for your patience with me, particularly related to technology, and just about everything else.  Grateful for flowers in France.  Grateful that you held your ground and forced me (unwittingly) to grow.

Oops.  Also known as sorry sans regret (getting there).  Sorry that I was critical.  It had nothing to do with you.  Sorry that I made demands.  I was scared to lose you and find me and well, lose you.  Oops:).  Sorry for being sorry.  Sorry for any pain I caused.  It came out of my own pain.  Not sorry for skipping football games to go shopping.

What I learned.  Learned that depending on you to meet my needs does not work.  That’s my job.  Learned that sometimes people aren’t on the same page and that’s okay.  Learned that good people who love each other aren’t always going to stay together.  Learned that love is acceptance.  Myself first, you second.  Or at the same time.  Learned that I’m learning.  Learned that I don’t have to be perfect and neither do you.  Learning that it’s okay to let go.  Better, in fact.  But really hard sometimes.

The end.  For now.

So.  It’s been a while.  It’s always interesting to notice what’s going on with me when I take a break from writing new posts.  In this case, I’d say some kind of internal shift is occurring.  Uh, yes, again.  I seem to be processing something, and my body has made this known when I fall asleep at 9pm on a Tuesday.  And what a gift to be able to give myself that space.  No “hurry up and make progress” or “get moving already”.  Just exactly what I need – to be okay with where I am.

As you may know, this is my year of taking care of myself and I have been consistently doing that.  Except when I forget.  Which happens quite a bit, but less so than in the past.  And that’s important, because it always comes down to remembering.  Remembering that I’m here and now.  Not in the maze of thoughts and what if’s running through my head.  Not in the not-too-distant future of – - will I have enough money, or will this crappy feeling never go away?

Back when I was living at a Buddhist Center in France I had this most profound and yet really mundane moment.  Doing laundry no less.  Actually, I was hanging my laundry outside during a midsummer’s night in the French countryside.  Okay, not bad.  Still, it was laundry.  A swirl of thoughts were racing through my head and I had this almost imperceptible turn.  An oh-so-subtle shift from dreaming of the future, getting “ground”, planning the what if’s to the realization that, oh, this is my life.  Right now, doing laundry.

The silence was so loud I couldn’t help but notice my life, right there in front of me.  And so I thought, hmm, I can just step into this.  Step into my life right here and right now.  And that’s what I’ve been doing ever since.  Remembering to own this moment.  That the future is not my life.  This moment is.

There was such space in that.  And mostly acceptance.  It was one of the first times that I consciously chose to accept where I was.  Instead of dreaming of a better moment in the future when I would like myself more, when I’d be more successful, or I’d feel better.  This was it.  This is it.  Sort of depressing in a way.  Some how I thought all those visions of grandeur and success were my salvation.  It’ll all be fine when I can get there.  Now that I practice coming back to whatever it is that’s going on right here and now, some of the excitement is gone.  But with that, a lot of the pain, grasping, and unhappiness is gone too.  Call the middle way, as the Buddhists do.

I think more than anything, life is not about getting ahead, or getting all of our shit together.  It’s really practicing again and again to not run away from this exact moment.  For me it’s about getting to know how crappy I feel right now.  Or how great I feel.  But interestingly, when I feel great I don’t seem to question it.  It’s when I’m feeling something I don’t want to feel or don’t think I should be feeling that presents my biggest opportunity.  It’s a chance to practice acceptance.  By doing that I step out of the happiness chase – - I stop trying to avoid pain or unpleasantness.  It’s such an exhausting treadmill to be on..

What I’ve noticed is that when I get to know how I’m feeling now, stay with it without pushing it away, it softens.  It also helps me feel better faster.  More and more I’m seeing these scary stories that stream across my mind like a stock ticker tape, and I’m not buying it.  The message, as Martha Beck would say is, “be afraid!”  But really, what does that get me?  Nothing I want.  Life minus the scary stories is pretty cool.  Definitely fresh, surprising, and well, an open-heart adventure.

And by the way, I’m noticing that my thoughts are saying, these blog posts are lame and redundant.  But you know, that’s okay.  It’s just where I happen to be.  Less the lame part:).

After days of rain, cold, and plain old gloom, the sun is finally shining again.  Beautiful, glorious fall day.  Sigh…  Which reminds me, behind all that gloom, stuckness, and funk, the sun was always there.  Okay, hear me out.  In the type of Buddhism I practice, there’s a concept called Great Eastern Sun.  It represents your basic goodness.  Essentially, no matter how bad things get, no matter what crappy stories are playing in your head, behind all those clouds, you have basic goodness and it does not go away.  Just a matter of remembering it’s there and perhaps a little house-cleaning to get back to it.

On that note, I heard Marianne Williamson speak this weekend and it was just what I needed.  I’ve read and re-read her book, A Return to Love, more times than I care to admit, but hearing it again helped.  It’s like, oh yeah, I remember that.  Of course, makes perfect sense.  Then, I don’t know, 5 minutes pass, someone cuts me off in traffic, and ohhh how I forget.

Marianne’s message is all about Love.  Love with a capital “L” because in her book, God = Love.  I like it.  It works for me, and really, whatever works for you.  My coach, Martha Beck, describes God as “Good Orderly Direction”.  This also works.  The gist for me is that there’s some larger entity out there, call it an interconnectedness or energy, or the force.  Which might be why I loved Star Wars so much.  Also might be why some many others did too – something about it resonated. 

If God is love, than God’s opposite is not hatred, but fear.  Fear is essentially the absence of love.  When you’re “in love” you’re aligned with the natural order of things.  So a few questions to get to some truths…  Do people respond better to you when you come from a place of love or anger?  Okay, I’ll answer.  Love.  How do I know?  Because I’ve come from a place of anger plenty of times to see some seriously bad results.  Second question, do you feel better when you’re loving or when you’re hating?  Okay, duh.  My only point is that God or no God, love feels better.

Another point from Marianne.  She asserts that love is light.  The opposite of light being darkness.  So how does one get rid of darkness?  Do you beat it, punish it, yell at it, threaten it?  Nope.  Can you imagine being pissed at the dark and swatting at it in an attempt to make it go away?!  Does not work.  The only thing that really does is to turn on the lights.  Which also goes for fear.  Threatening or punishing fear, or fearful people, DOES NOT WORK.  It only reinforces and strengthens the fear.  Best course of action in my experience is to turn on the love.  Granted, easier said than done.

As always, it’s all an inside job.  Sure there’s lots of fear, violence, unpleasantness (understatement) in the world, so how do we fix it?  As Gandhi says, “We must become the change we want to see in the world.”  This guy knows what he’s talking about.  Did he re-establish India’s indepenedence from the powerful British empire with violence, battles, war?  Nope.  Just the opposite.  He defeated the British Empire with peace.  In which case, “defeated” is probably the wrong word.  He basically turned the lights on and ultimately dispelled the darkness.   Not saying it was easy, but it works.  And now India and Britain have a pretty good relationship.  I’d say better than it might have been had a bloody war ensued.

So this is my new approach.  There are plenty (said w/emphasis) of things in my life that I’d like to improve.  Plenty of things I’ve said, done, that I do say and do, that could use heeps of improvement.  However, the way to remedy that is NOT to focus on what’s wrong.  The answer is to shine the light on what is good, what is working.  Beating myself up about stuff has yet to work.

So instead of the old, “jeez I’m such an idiot, jerk, etc…”, I’m going to make a concerted effort to notice and appreciate the nice stuff.  What I did or said that was constructive or helpful.  What in my life is good and working.  This is not a form of denial (well, not entirely), rather a way to enhance, encourage, and foster all sorts of goodness - good thoughts, actions, experiences, etc…  Because it really is true that what we appreciate appreciates.